Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I set out a suitcase to pack for my flight later today and spotted my 3 year old crawling inside it to hide. I casually zipped it up, yelled “I’M OFF TO THE AIRPORT, EVERYBODY!”, and carried it to the car. I’ve circled the block twice and my luggage hasn’t stopped laughing.

at the mcdonald’s self order kiosk selecting my order from behind my back like a guitar solo everyone is cheering someone just threw their bra

when your spouse’s phone rings & they go to the other room to answer it

“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.

I eat something every 29 minutes just to ensure no one can ever make me go swimming.

Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.

9: Why do some British people drop the t’s in their accents?

Me: Cause they have different accents from different parts of England.

9: No it’s cause they drank all the teas!

*cop throws the book at me*

*I throw it back at him*

Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*

Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.

Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out

Adult trick-or-treating: One house gives chocolate, the next gives wine, and the last tells me how to stop killing my plants.

Parenting Tip:

Replace the word “nightmare” with “adventure”.

“This common core homework is an adventure for us both!”

“Grandma made us asparagus quiche so we can try an adventure meal!”

“Your endless harmonica practicing will haunt my deepest adventures.”

ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel

MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*

“Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.”

[3am]

WIFE: *nudging my shoulder* I can’t sleep, do you wanna…

ME: *suddenly awake*

WIFE: …teach me calculus?

ME: We begin, as we must, with the concept of a derivative

It’s going to be really hot over the next couple of days so please remember to leave out a wee bowl of cider & blackcurrant incase a goth comes into your garden.

In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.

No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.

*putting fish sticks in a bowl

Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it

Martin Shkreli in jail: “Can I have an aspirin?”
Jail: “Yes. That will be $197,000.”

The stun gun you tried using on me didn’t work. Why am I not shocked?

I’m tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.

Me: I need sex, and I need it now…

Her: I understand. You want to be alone.

I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.

[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what

HR says I’m not allowed to build an electric fence around my desk for days I have to go into the office .

Genie: you still have 2 wishes left. you sure you don’t want to use them?

Me: [eating cheesecake] nope I’m good

Genie: alright then [disappears]

Me: [finishes cheesecake] oh no

I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…

[driving home in silence]
Wife: ok, I’m sorry
Me: too late
Wife: you do quite a lot of them though
Me: no, apparently I “overuse” them
Wife: …
Me: there’s no such thing as overusing roundhouse kicks, Linda, especially at parties
Wife: funeral

me: Hey!! Four Eyes!!!

Mississippi: *crying*