“I love this song!”
“This is my favorite song!”
“I love this song!”
“No, THIS is my favorite song!”
~ Me, listening to my own playlist
You Might Also Like
Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it
How soon into a new relationship should you let her know you’re an idiot
People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.
Not only do I turn down my radio to find a house or a parking spot, but I also take off my sunglasses to hear someone better.
If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
Only thing I miss about life prior to this pandemic is going to people’s houses just to eat their food and then immediately leave
Go to a suburban neighborhood, find the meanest mom with the biggest glass of white wine, and bring her to negotiate your new car purchase.
“And then she kissed the frog and saw him turn into a prince, because kissing frogs makes you hallucinate.”
-me as a babysitter
[wedding reception]
DAVE IS HAVIN A SEIZURE
Paramedic: How long has he been having convulsions?
IDK HE’S WHITE, I THOUGHT HE WAS DANCING
We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.
If you’re dating someone named Merle you’re required to call them your Merlefriend.
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.
every nextdoor post is like “i saw a car drive by my house without asking my permission first. do i call the fbi or the national guard?”
MUGGER: Hand over your wallet.
MY DAD: No, no, no. You’re holding the knife all wrong. Ugh, just give me that… and, pull up your damn pants.
michael jordan’s parents really named him after a shoe
Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me.
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog
When in Texas…
*heads into the desert*
*hugs cactus*
*shoots said cactus*
*rides off into the sunset on horseback*
You’re not officially a teacher unless someone you live with has told you that they’re not one of the children in your class and you can’t speak to them like that.
Why do people always ask me how my day off was? I’m a parent, my harshest boss is 3ft tall and lives in my house
my new hobby
creating totally reasonable units that somehow upset people
– kiloLiters
– megameters
– milliinches
“Where do you think you’re going?”
“Band practice, I told you.”
“Is your homework done?”
“Yes, DAD.”
“Be home by 6 for dinner.”
“But-“
“No buts, Mom’s making your favorite.”
[eraser factory]
BOSS: what makes u think ur right for the job?
ME: *hands him blank piece of paper* I think my resumé speaks for itself
If you eat enough hershey kisses, you can reform the wrappers into a kiss and replace it in the bowl. This is less funny if you live alone.
The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.
I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.
*Shakespeare resetting his password*
“Enter new password.”
Fortnight
“Your password is two weeks.”
“Clue” is a board game about people trapped in a house and one of them is a homicidal maniac who has just killed. Ages 8 and up.
I don’t want to brag but my mom said when I played soccer I was the best at watching the grass grow.