I love this time of year because I can leave my husband at home with the kids & say I’m going Christmas shopping when really I’m just out driving around in my car to get some peace & quiet.
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shoutout to the girl on reddit who posted saying “my partner didn’t inform me he’s having unprotected sex with someone else” and then elaborated that the “someone else” is the guys wife, who he is married to
A classic example of a cat being a cat.
Why does life keep trying to teach me patience? I don’t want to learn patience!
gwen stefani really let us down by not spelling something useful like necessary or embarrass
Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.
*pitching the concept of twitter* what if your diary hated you
Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
Spend $250 on your kid playing soccer so they can tell you the only thing they enjoyed is the popsicle at the end of the game
You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is
Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.
“Constructive criticism” was invented by some tyrant as a way to say, “I’m going to upset you and you’re going to thank me.”
Called in, “Car’s in the shop, so I’m taking the treadmill this morning. It’s taking forever.”
[dinner, my place]
“This tastes like pork?”
ME: You asked for a nice swine
“No, a nice wine”
ME: Oh, okay…you still want the crap cakes?
Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate
“Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there,” we chant. Another agent appears inside the pentagram and screams. The dark lord feasts tonight.
My 5 y/o: ugh, all we have is cereal for breakfast
[Next morning, after I make pancakes]
My 5 y/o: I’ll have cereal
“If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun”
~My son apparently
“Better out than in,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Terrible heart surgeon.
Art by Pastelkatto
Me: I’m gonna make you an offer you can’t refuse.
Him: Ma’am, for the last time, we don’t have a limit on how much liquor you can buy.
feeling melancholy. think I’ll have a drink and make things much worse
[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”
Don’t name your car. It’s not a boat. Don’t name your boat either.
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emer-
Dinosaur: I’M BEING ATTACKED BY A GIANT SNAKE
Dinosaur 911: same color as you?
Dinosaur: YES
Dinosaur 911: is it your own tail?
Dinosaur: ok, you’re gonna laugh
*runs into wife on the way to see his mistress*
Aww are those flowers for me?
-Uh…yeah
Is there a card too?
*with a mouthful of paper* No
Programming Skills: PRIMARILY RUBY AND PYTHON BUT I CAN USE ANY TYPE OF GEM TO CONTROL ANY TYPE OF SNAKE
How long will it take my husband to get to the acceptance part of the grief process after learning that the dryer he fixed 10 minutes ago is broken again?
A fox: People aren’t so bad. I hear they named a news station after us.
[Watches 1 minute of Hannity]
We attack the humans at dawn.
I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.
[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]