Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.

A librarian with a sense of humour…

#Oscars

What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?

INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me

my mom: we found this under your bed and we are very disappointed *pulls out copy of “drugs for dummies”*

my dad: lol nerd

birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn

[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf

Please stop saying that a problem is a “real pickle.” Pickles are delicious, store well, and have zero calories. You are a problem. Pickles are fine.

Kids today’ll bang just about anywhere

If Zombies ever switch to eating souls, I’ll have the last laugh on everyone whoever made fun of me for being a Ginger

Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one

Music – rock band

Jehovah’s Witness – knock band

Boats – dock band

Lip synched – mock band

Athletes – jock band

Safe cracker – lock band

Puppet – sock band

Clock maker – tock band

Chicken – b’gok band

Rooster – cock band

I got a 20% pay rise this year. Not from my employer; they couldn’t afford to give pay rises after the big bosses got their bonuses. I just stopped doing any work on the one day a week I work from home.

I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.

the buddha: *on twitter* how dreadful. the karmic damage from this will greatly prolong your suffering in the cycle of rebirth

me: a lot of people are saying that

wife: what’s bothering you, hun?

attila: the romans

Retired bakers have nothing to prove.

dril cadence

Ugh. Still no word from Disney about my RATATOUILLE sequel, where Remy the rat finds himself controlled by an even smaller creature. I was hoping to sell FLEA MIGNON by the end of May.

I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand

If someone from ziplock could contact Literally anyone in the cereal Business that would be great…

Me: Send prudes.

Her: Wait, did you mean nudes?

Me: What? Ew. No.

ME: *passing out little top hats* And this one’s for you. And this one’s for you
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the penguin enclosure
ME: Lol no

[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sex

fibonacci: absolutely not

If I am wearing red lipstick you can be sure I have one thing on my mind..

I hope I don’t have any on my teeth.

me: i don’t know what to order

waiter: the chef’s special?

me: I’m sure he is

Me: [getting mugged]

THANK YOU FOR WEARING A MASK

[going on a first date in the cool part of town]
HIM: did you have trouble finding the place?
ME: omg nooo i seriously come here all the time. this is my regular spot
SIRI: *from inside my bag, volume 10* YOU’VE ARRIVED

*PLOT TWIST*
Breaking Bad last ep.
Walt takes off the mask to reveal he was Dwayne Johnson

The world finally knows what the Rock was cookin

#AmazingFacts
Failure is not an option,

it comes bundled with your Windows 10 software.