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“You are what you eat.”
I’m about 90% burrito.
Life hack
Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire
Pro Tip: you can’t just be sorry. You have to understand why I expect you to be sorry and be able to articulate that back to me in detail
I need to hide the teen’s birthday present where he’ll never find it so I’m thinking behind the vacuum cleaner will be perfect.
Teens: Euphoria from a first kiss
Twenties: Euphoria from skydiving
Forties: Euphoria from a price adjustment at Target
[Jurassic Park]
JOHN HAMMOND: We’ve spared no expense!
ACCOUNTANT: There are no backup generators and you’ve hired 5 employees to run an entire island
JOHN HAMMOND: I meant on the dinosaurs
Saying “my body is a temple” is for people with money. When you’re poor, your body is a car. Like no it’s not supposed to be making that noise.
The Mayan Calendar doesn’t really stop at 2012, they just ran out of sexy firefighters.
If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.
Free will was a mistake.
I should have charged for it.
water solves a lot of problems.
want to lose weight? drink more water
having a bad day? take a shower
tired of someone’s bullshit? drown them
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Don’t forget about your milk.
Me: Have you drank your milk?
Me: Drink. Your. Milk.
3: Yuck, this milk is warm.
[airplane strafes the ground with machine guns]
Mozzarella: *checks self* I’m OK.
Cheddar: Me too! That was close, eh Swiss? …Swiss?
My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game
How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now
I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.
if HBO wants me to watch a Game Of Thrones spin off I want a personal apology for season 8. 12 pt font, double spaced, no funny business on the margins
Wife: He’s just so literal all of the time, he gets so confused
Psychiatrist: Is this true?
Me: [worried] Are u really gonna make me shrink?
Social media’s ruined everything. If I saw a dead body on my walk home my first thought would be to take a pic and caption it “Mood”
So, apparently, “My old girlfriend liked it!” isn’t a good defense when your significant other doesn’t like the Taco Bell gift certificate you got her for Valentine’s.
Fact: On aircraft, pilots have different oxygen masks than you. The reason is because it’s impossible for a pilot and passenger to share one mask. Idiot.
50% of fatherhood is repeating yourself.
Other 50% is untangling your kid from the shirt stuck on their head cause you didn’t unbutton it.
[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK
7 year old neighbor informed me that they weren’t feelin’ my musical tastes this morning, so I’m not feeling giving him a ride anymore
And no thanking Jesus unless he actually shows up at the ceremony
6yo granddaughter: wonder how far this will go
Twists doll head til it snaps off
Screeches “mom!!!”
Me: you’d make a rotten serial killer
If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
People pay for feet pics on the internet
Bigfoot: I’m listening
Cops are raiding Justin Bieber’s house looking for eggs. Seriously. Eggs. I can’t make this shit up. This is why other countries hate us.