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Misery: Hello there!
Company: I have a boyfriend…
*Being murdered in bed*
Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??
Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.
My wife has been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.
So, Ive taken the hint.
Got her a magazine rack!
99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.
“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!
Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.
boss: what are u doing
me: *pretends to read email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”
The cheapest way to make your lips look fuller is to trip on a dog toy, land flat on your face, then sit back and enjoy the swelling.
Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a dietician.
Me: Fascinating. There are so many ways to die, right?
“did you ever get married?”
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no
A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.
You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.
It never fails every time my house is a disaster my Mother-in-Law will stop by just because she “saw my car in the driveway.”
Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.
Fake rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out are called JK-47s
Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”-Eminem at a farm.
Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.
KID: Where’s grandma?
DAD: She’s in a better place now
KID: Canada?
brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died
daughter: and this one?
me: also carrots
daughter: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 3 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
“Are you religious?”
Bro I don’t even believe in myself
*during sex*
Me: *unrolling a wrapper*
Her: you don’t have to use a condom
Me : *mouthful of fruit by the foot* oh cool
I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s. What do you want me to make?
Child: A Happy Meal.
[creation of trees]
god: when it’s warm you’ll be covered in leaves
tree: like a big coat?
god: yes but when it’s cold they’ll all fall off
tree: (eyes narrow) how long have you been doing this job
Good night cop: Want the light on or off? Sweet dreams kiddo.
Bad night cop: You will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep.
My son’s doing a report on the Cold War and asking what ended it. “I’ve got that answer right here,” I say. *starts Rocky IV dvd*