I love those friendships that are based on a shared admiration for wood chippers and deep freezers.
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Check out the legs on this baby
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
I’m always hungry
“That’s not what I-”
*takes out a cake* Also, I don’t like to share
Remember the first day of school when you’d show up with your pencil case, your rucksack and your Flash Speed Mop?
You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
ME: stop whining before I give you something to whine about
KID: wut? WhAt U gOnNa Do?
ME: change the wi-fi password
KID: nonononono I’m sorry
In what can only be described as the least surprising coincidence of all time, I just found out that the 5 year-old girl who keeps stealing the buttons off my son’s shirts at school is named Coraline
Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?
Roman: Just the one, thanks
You know you don’t have to give your bathroom a beach theme, there’s no law
My wife and I just finished an intense 6-month mediation to pick the movie we’re going to fall asleep 10 minutes into.
interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.
Me: We’re only here for a short while, so we should love one another and hold each other as much as possible.
Guy in back of elevator: Can you just press 19?
I hope this email finds you well. But if you’re well, that means you were able to answer my previous emails, so honestly I’d feel better if this email finds you unwell.
Over all these years, you’d think I’d remember how important the “L” in clock is…especially when asking mom if I can borrow dad’s.
in 3 months
If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.
Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.
Vader: “I am your father.”
Luke: “I am your father.”
Vader: “Stop copying me.”
Luke: “Stop copying me.”
Vader: “Shut up.”
Luke: “Shut up.”
The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.
Look, just because Jeff Bezos looks like Lex Luthor & acts like Lex Luthor, doesn’t…uh oh.
I enjoy the freedom of speech because if you let crazy people talk, they’ll totally tell you they’re crazy.
Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”
HR reminds us to proof read before sending
Quick question, how long do you have to drive around with a cracked windshield before it magically fixes itself? It’s been two weeks and I think I’m doing something wrong.
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
I don’t get the uproar over guns made with 3D printers. I mean how would anyone get a potential victim to put those glasses on anyway?
All Tolkien’s tweets would be numbered and his shortest thread would be 65345 tweets
If the world was serious about embracing renewable energy, someone would have already called me about harnessing the power from my 4 year old’s shouting