I love those friendships that are based on a shared admiration for wood chippers and deep freezers.
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Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.
Air conditioning – not a fan
Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂
noah: you did WHAT
I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back
Dogs are too pure for this world 🥺🥺
#goldenretriever #dogs
Do people who knit know about the industrial revolution?
Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*
Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!
Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?
Wife:
Me: Omelette you eat now
[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced
Her: What do you do for fun?
Me: I write jokes about water vapor
Her: What’s that like?
M: It’s a gas
[murder scene]
Snail detective 1-He left a decent trail
SD2- Let’s track him down
*10 hours later*
SD1-Damn that guy is fast
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
Me: hmm that’s a tough one. I guess I’d probably have to say listening is my biggest strength
How does a hippie polygamist count his wives?
1. Mrs. Hippie 2. Mrs. Hippie 3. Mrs. Hippie 4. Mrs. Hippie
I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.
When I was a kid $100 was a lot of money. Just like it is now.
*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I’ve got bad news
ME: *pulls an apple from pocket*
DOCTOR: *sweating* GOOD NEWS, I MEANT GOOD NEWS
Husband: Why are there two broken condoms on the backseat?
Wife: Please stop calling our kids that.
[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]
my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…
Doctor: And how many partners have you had?
Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.
The feeling of peace when amongst the trees quickly disappears when you notice a coyote nonchalantly walking towards you.
I, for one, like it when blackberry seeds get stuck in my teeth at breakfast. Gives me little mouth missions to accomplish throughout the day.
“Fine mom! If you’re not going to let me have cookies, I’m gonna go in my room!!”
{inaudible whisper}
no. please don’t go.
All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.
I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.