I love those friendships that are based on a shared admiration for wood chippers and deep freezers.
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Goblin adventurer whose catchphrase is “no goblemo”
The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.
Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.
If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.
You can start billing people for psychic readings.
“Sorry about this, but I ran out of allergy medicine and it’s spring,” I say to the frightened pharmacy clerk through my hazmat suit.
I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.
count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video
WIFE: It’s always best to overdress on your 1st day of work
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: You wanted to see me?
BOSS: It’s about your suit of armor
So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.
Imma get shredded!
Goes to the cheese aisle.
Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?
I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.
But hey, Karen got a puppy!
Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.
“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.
“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers
– at a ramen restaurant –
Me: slurp
Me: sluuurp
Me: slur-
Friend: stop, the food isn’t even here yet
Me: im practicing leave me alone
“Please let go of my hair”
-my gynaecologist
VEGETARIAN FRIEND: Can you believe these “mashed potatoes” are actually cauliflower?!?
ME: Yes. They taste like cauliflower. All of the things you make with cauliflower taste like cauliflower.
My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.
Jokes on you DUI Checkpoint, we can no longer afford to drink AND drive.
I can tell these edibles have finally kicked in by the way I’m caressing my burrito and whispering “Ay Papi” Into what I’m pretty sure is its ear.
Men don’t even appreciate a good bra & panty set. “TAkE tHeSe OfF” did you even look at it 🥺😒
They left us in the waiting room so long at the orthodontist this morning my son formulated a plan for what he would do there in case of earthquakes, tornadoes, hurricanes, fire, kidnappers and zombies
[creation]
GOD: You each have a gift
WORM: What’s mine?
G: You…spin silk
BEE: How bout me?
G: Uh…make honey
HIPPO: And me?
G: Hm…eat marbles
I love you…
…r dog.
When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.
I’ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I’ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can’t reach the remote.
[doctor’s]
INVISIBLE MAN: Am I cured doc?
DR: Your tests are all clear
IM: Is that good?
DR: [talking to wrong empty chair] I’m not sure
*august*
y’all need jesus
*christmas ads start*
not like that