Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

She hasn’t tweeted in a while, so I guess I can stop sucking in my stomach.

How dramatic are you?

[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine

[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock

He just told me that the dishwasher is broke.

I wish he would:
1. Stop rubbing it in
And
2. Stop calling me that.

NEWLYWED FRIEND: i just love him so much, i always want to be around him!

ME: you haven’t heard him eat cereal yet, have you

must be a load-bearing face plate. don’t want it coming loose.

My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.

I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.

Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”

Please don’t ask her what she wants for Valentine’s day. She’ll say she wants nothing. You’ll believe her and we both know how it’s going to end.

Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.

ME: Please! Don’t! I have a family!

ASSASSIN: Who do you think sent me?

he’s a little confused but he got the spirit

At an art museum and I thought this was art

Let he who is without sin, get the hell away from me.

I’ve concluded English is my phone’s second language. It’s the only explanation for all the bizarre autocorrects and typos that plague me.

My dad loves to tell this story ab how when he was a kid his family passed Carlo gambino’s house on the way to church and his dad said solemnly “someday that guys gonna wake up with a bullet in his head”

A lorry carrying pens, rulers and compasses has overturned on the M1.

Traffic is currently stationery in both directions.

Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.

You’re welcome…

I put on a blue vest and walked out of Lowe’s with 9 hammers

I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.

[dinner]
SIS: I made $1M last year. Please pass the peas
BRO. Same. Please pass a roll
ME: I have $1.23 in my shoe. Please pass the cyanide

[Friend] Kyle, u have to stop referring to your Ballet Club as a “gang”
[Me & my gang all do 2 pirouettes and stop in unison] “Not a chance”

I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.

Dads out on the dance floor just respecting the heck out of the fine craftsmanship of the wood and stain.

In all honesty, my new dating service, “Well You’re Not So Great Yourself” hasn’t really taken off like I’d hoped.

Farmer: if you want to fix that soil you have to fertilize it properly

Landscaper: sounds like bullshit

Farmer: yes exactly

I try not to worry about things outside of my control, or things that are the direct result of my deliberate choices.

In the next James Bond movie 007 has to prevent a Congolese arms dealer from selling nuclear-grade plutonium to a Nevada couple planning a gender reveal