Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My therapist said that “everyone is stupid except for me” is not a helpful mindset. Sounds like something a stupid person would say, if you ask me

My son asked what it was like to be a parent so I begged him to make me chicken nuggets and then held on to his leg so he couldn’t move.

my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.

If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.

I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry

In case anyone was wondering. I only missed 2 words this week on my 3rd graders practice spelling test.

4th grade will be tough for us. Please say a prayer.

*takes out trash, finds trash can lid frozen shut*

*drops bag on ground because if any raccoon is desperate enough to be out in this cold he deserves all the trash he can get*

If you’re pure of heart you can put almost anything in the recycling

[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating

Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:

4 months ago,I started a poultry business with 4 chicken🐣 ,And I’m here to tell you that I successfully ate all of them😂😂

My wife thinks it’s weird how much I stare at my phone now but it was probably even weirder when I was a kid just staring at the landline all day

Meet Sugar, she doesn’t like to be ridden. If Sugar is approached with a saddle she lyes down and pretends to be asleep. Sugar refuses to open her eyes until the riders leave.

RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!

Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild

If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.

Best thing about dead batteries is they are free of charge!

oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.

*animal dies in a movie*
this is the saddest thing I’ve ever seen

*robot dies in a movie*
omg why am I crying it’s just a robot

*human dies in a movie*
yes yes kill them all

This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.

My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.

Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.

Sorry for levitating at the end of your bed all night, I just think you’re really cute

my back wasn’t made for hard labor*

*getting out of bed.

If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there’s a 99 percent chance you’ll see them in every single aisle after that.

*gets neck cracked by Chiropractor*
Hey I didn’t know our necks turned like an Owls

henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back

I’m going back in time to kill whoever invented the wheel so we never have to hear the phrase ‘circling back’

Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?

3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.

Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target

I remember when it was just limbo dancers asking “how low can you go?”, now it seems like everyone in the news wants to answer that.

SUMMER BREAK WEEK 1

Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?

Me: No, absolutely not.

SUMMER BREAK WEEK 2

Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?

Me: After you eat your real breakfast.

SUMMER BREAK WEEK 3

Kid: What’s for breakfast?

Me: Popsicles.