I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?
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Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave
20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible
♫ Is this the real life?
Are you a manatee?
Let’s beat up french fries
I should lay off the LSD ♫
I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen
Back to work after the long holiday weekend, so you’re finally away from the relatives you don’t like, and back with the co-workers you don’t like
Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag
ME: *puts my hair in a bun*
WAITER: gross
All Your Eggs in One Basket would be a lovely name for an only child
Kinda lame that pretending everything is fine isn’t working
Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora
After I drink coffee I show my empty cup to the IT guy and say that I have successfully installed Java. He hates me.
My dog is doing Saturday right by staying in bed until 1pm and shooting me a disapproving look every time my chores wake him up.
1st toddler: Here is a book you can look at.
2nd toddler: Here is a toy you can play with.
3rd toddler: Here is something you can break.
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.
Them: omg, I haven’t seen you in so long
Me: yeah that was on purpose
Date: You haven’t dated in awhile?
Me: [Wearing Hulk Hands struggling with a burrito] Why do you say that?
Him: hey see you around
Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with his student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
Kid: “ my dad says you spy on people… “
Mark Zuckerberg: “ he’s not your dad”
If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?
When a Nokia phone warns you about low battery, you have at least 1 month to find where the charger is lying in your house.
Rage against the machine? I bet it was a printer.
Give a man a catfish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to catfish and he can have Internet boyfriends in 7 different countries.
It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
Me: Wanna hear a joke?
Dog: sure
Me: Knock knock
*dog goes crazy barking at the door*
Me: *rolling up a dollar bill for my coke*
Date: holy shit you can’t do that in here
Me: but I can’t drink it without a straw
“Open your gift”
A ‘non-stick’ frying pan?
“You don’t like it?”
Non-stick? [smashes rest of gifts] YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE STICKS BRENDA
pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”