Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?

Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.

I fell in love with a female electrician.

…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.

You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.

Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.

[showing my 4yo a Slinky]
me: look, it’s walking down the stairs
kid: what else can it do
me: literally nothing

Edward norton: what’s your power

Me: I recast avenger characters

Mark ruffalo: wait wut

To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches

cashier: how’d you like to pay for this

me: not at all

I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.

I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.

[hearing a colleague using their mouse’s scroll wheel] well check out Johnny Longdocument over here

I only compete with myself because I’m hella stupid and easy to outsmart.

I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.

why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone

A friend who is on Bumble told me a guy texted her, “Do you like prunes?” as an opener and she thought it was bizarre. I told her to respond with, “No, but I do like dates” in case you were wondering who not to ask for dating advice ever

Ever since I was a little kid I knew that I wanted to be late for work

Life hack: ask telemarketers and phone scammers to go steady seconds into the conversation and never be bothered again OR now you found love

I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.

Hate it when you’re getting rad footage of an accident scene to put on Facebook & some loser says “Hey, aren’t you the paramedic we called?”

“u should stop drinking” u should stop talking

Thank god 4 the guy at the bar yelling “YOU GOTTA CATCH THAT!!!” when a receiver drops the ball. Had no idea he was supposed to catch it.

TODAY

“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article

You young couples with your dogs, your trial children, you’ll learn nothing about parenting because you can never teach a toddler to “sit”.

scary then: a phone call came from inside the house

scary now: a phone call

That’s incredible! 👌

My friend told his gf he’s giving up valentines day for lent… I know what’s coming so I told him that i’m giving up letting friends sleep on my couch

Him: So what do you do?
Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.