I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.
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I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.
Wife: Whatchya thinking about?
Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.
Me: Those shoes are fresh!
12: Mom. No.
Me: Don’t be whack.
Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.
What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
*on phone
Hello NASA, can you turn the sun down just a bit? It’s too bright.
NASA: That’s not how things work ma’am.
Me: Then what are we even funding you for? If I crash it’s on you.
Her: All day long I’ve had the strangest feeling that someone’s ….. watching me.
Me: Why, do you hear laughter?
The cast of Big Brother in Germany doesn’t know about covid-19 and they’re gonna tell them in a live TV special. I have to learn German by tomorrow.
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two….
I’m still laughing .
adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”
People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.
First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.
I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.
[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
Waiter: What can I get you?
Me [forgetting the word “waffle”]: I’ll have a graph biscuit.
Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.
Me: I am above the law.
me at 15: i can’t wait to go to college and PARTY!!
me at 20: ok so listen. there’s a new grocery store and GET THIS. i got a mango for 56 cents
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
[murders Aquaman with some super absorbent paper towels]
[vet school]
ME: Welcome, students. Hope you brought textbooks because-
[spins cat on finger like basketball]
-I have no idea what I’m doing
Them: Yeah my cat is completely happy being vegan
Cat:
GIRLFRIEND: *whispers in my ear* Hey you wanna try for a baby
ME: *playing the claw machine* I don’t think there are any in there, Denise.
coming home late…
Me: Hey babe. What’s for dinner?
Her: Where the hell have you been?
Me: Didn’t we have that last night?
Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!
1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
Me every day: You kids drive me insane. I need a break.
Me before a kid-free trip: I CAN’T LEAVE MY LITTLE SUGAR PLUMS