I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.
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my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive
A woman at my bar was talking about how she has hard time meeting men and I told her to just start conversations with people. A guy comes in and sits next to her and she turns to him and goes “where were you during 9/11?”
A tartan is what you get when you sunbathe on the asphalt
Someone just said the secret to getting ripped is no sugar, gluten, or carbs
Sounds like I’m eating water and air today
When the company finally leaves and you can let one rip..
that.
I love breakdancing. I don’t do it…
Or watch it, even.
I just like it because it allows be to sell cardboard to rich white kids.
Park Ranger: Careful, someone saw a coyote out here earlier
Me: Ok, thanks
-20 minutes later-
*drives into a rock painted like a tunnel
Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.
Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.
Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.
…sees you when you’re sleeping, knows when you’re awake, knows if you’ve been bad or good…
Me: Omg, this song is about my phone.
7yo: You count to 20 and I’ll hide.
Me: Ok. [Starts counting.]
[Goes downstairs to drink coffee and eat cookies.]
My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.
Was just talking with a friend who refuses to give her husband a blow job because it’s “dirty”.
Told her not to worry, someone else will.
I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.
I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.
RIVERS WILL RUN RED WITH THE BLOOD OF MY ENEMIES & ALL WHO PLOTTED AGAINST ME WILL KNOW A FEAR-oh never mind my keys were in my other pocket
“Boss, I’ve got a probl-”
“There are no such things as problems, only opportunities”
“Oh, ok. I’ve got a serious drinking opportunity”
This day in history. 1950. The FBI put out its first 10 Most Wanted list and my dad lost a bet because only 2 of the guys were his brothers.
[before sex]
her: can u put something on
me: sure
her: is that just the jeopardy theme song
me: no
her:
me: it’s the whole episode
COACH: You miss 100% of the shots you take.
ME: You mean, don’t take?
COACH: No. You are, by far, the worst athlete I have ever seen.
Girl, are you an environmentalist?
‘Cuz everytime you walk into a room you turn it into a heavily wooded area.
Produce is too expensive. Do you have any amateur duce?
“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.I got 4 hours of sleep.
Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.
It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.
A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.
My kids lost a Barbie shoe.
I dug in the trash and found one.
It was from a set they didn’t know was missing
Now I’m looking for 2 shoes.
Them: you shouldn’t drink so much caffeine it’s bad for you
Me: I shouldn’t have to work this much to afford my rent either but here we are
what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.