Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.

I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.

Considering “natural” childbirth?

You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.

[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog

Ugh I hate being a celeb my fans are always asking me “when is your next rent check going to drop?” & “when can we expect you to pay us back for covering your rent last month?” It’s like respect my privacy please.

I met a girl at a club last night and she told me she’d show me a good time.

When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.

Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again

“Yes, I remember you saying” – Translation: Please stop saying that

YOU CAN ORDER AN AIR HORN ON AMAZON AND BRING THE FIGHT DIRECTLY TO THE GEESE.

Oh deer

Our tree caught on fire we threw it outside and the dog dragged it back into the House

When Fred Willard got arrested for lewd behavior in an adult movie theater I was shocked. Where did he find an adult movie theater?

[death row]

Guard: alright tough guy one last meal

Me: a cyanide pill

Guard: what? no we want to kill you!

Me: too bad

Guard: aw man

Nobody:

Mime:

Mute person:

Fight club member:

Parrot:

Torturer who just boldly claimed he had ways of making people talk: oh no

But I’m the good kind of abomination, right???

Cop: Can I see some ID?

Me: No. But you can see this…
[Does that trick where you pretend to detach your thumb]

Rookie cop: I didn’t sign up to fight no wizard sarge

Death: your time has come.

Me: no! not now!

Death: yes now.

Me: but… I have to poop?

Death: ……damn it. Go on then.

Me: wow that actually worked.

My toddler: *nods sagely*

The easiest way to bust outta the joint is to methodically carve a bar of soap from a gun you purloined from a deputy, & then throw the fake soap onto the floor of your cell. When the guard comes to pick it up (it’s a safety hazard), simply run past them & away to the mountains

Keep a few cat turds in your pockets, just in case a cop searches you. He will get cat poop on his hands, and you can laugh. It’s all legal.

H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?

Me: I can’t afford a face lift.

Here are 5 things you should know about me:

1. I’m very secretive

ME: *goes on mute after giving update on a conference call*
MY 4 Y/O: [standing behind me baffled] daddy, what does any of that even mean?
ME: i don’t know, girl. i don’t know

Jeb Bush: “The Pope should not discuss climate change because he’s not a scientist, although if elected, I will be your wife’s gynecologist”

Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral

Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND

Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me

Me *whispers*: never again

I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.

Go Soccers!

If a peanut butter cookie between two chocolate chip cookies is considered a sandwich, then I may have had a sandwich or two for lunch.

My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.

i was in paris with a boyfriend once and he lit a candle in Notre Dame in order to ask god to raise the price of bitcoin

[first date at restaurant]

Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.