Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.

“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”

“my name is Denise”

It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.

I need to stop drinking so much. Did I say drinking. I meant thinking. I need to drink more.

one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along

*doctor looks up*
I’m afraid you have forgetting about 80’s bands disease
“Oh god what’s The Cure?”
*doctor sighs*
It’s worse than I thought

i just found this in my phone

if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about

50 shades of grey = my Liver

{during sex}
him: i’m sorry, did you just say “faster, papa smurf”

Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies

ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too

FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket

“They tell me you’re the greatest sniper in the world,” says the stranger.

“Maybe,” I say, tossing a can at the bin, missing it by miles.

“MEANWHILE IN MONTANA: A handful of cows found their way into a newly built home and lived in it for a month before being noticed.

The family was moving from Washington. The Aunt was supposed to be checking on the place, but she didn’t. A rancher had filed a report about missing

[jaws theme plays]

Me: omg

Shark groom: omg she’s here

I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.

Eulogies are just goth stand-up.

Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones

(Mayday)
PILOT: I didn’t go thru 9 years of flight school to crash
ME: *relieved* Thank G-
P: I went through 0, so the crash will make sense

Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.

velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night

judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property

Husband: Wouldn’t it be easier to buy a larger size jeans?

Me: (on roof) Just hold out my skinny jeans for me to jump into like we planned!

Wife: *through tears* An 11 foot tombstone seems a bit excessive

Funeral director: Ma’am, your husband was adamant in his wish to list his favorite breakfast cereals ranked by prize quality

If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store

GF: “Can I be frank?”

Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”

i liked her. i wifed her. 🤎

I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.

The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…

Left at a local drug store…