I love to see “pan-fried” on a menu. I hate food that’s fried in a shoe or a dolphin or something
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The police have just found my stash of ceremonial chairs in my transparent garden potting shed. Just goes to prove…
People in glass houses shouldn’t stow thrones
Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.
Life hack:
When an annoying person ask for your phone number give them you ex’s. That way they’ll ask for you and ruin their day.
Been getting into gardening lately and I think it’s going well!
My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.
I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand
There’s a new part of my brain aggressively trying to make me completely dedicate my life to becoming an expert on German amusement parks. It’s like “hey dude this stuff might be the most important shit you’ll ever learn” and I’m like christ. You’re probably right
Shoe Salesman: (taking measurements) looks like a size 10 would be a perfect fit
Ronald McDonald: I said (clenching teeth) bring me a size 44
What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?
I’m eating tacos while wrapped up inside my tortilla blanket. I’m a taco eating a taco. It’s glorious
media CEO: we’re doing a series on salary transparency!
same media CEO: wait no stop asking about mine
“Don’t eat the baby” is practical advice on Fat Tuesday and every day.
I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”
Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute
My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum
Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.
Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.
how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????
FRIEND: where do you work
ME: I can’t tell you
FRIEND: really? like it’s top secret?
ME [unemployed]: correct
Welcome to anxiety club, I really hope more people show up. Maybe there was a terrible accident and everyone that was coming is now dead
Hmmmmm
My rings were getting loose so I gained ten pounds.
*Mom Godzilla calls Godzilla during the morning*
Mom Godzilla: Are you eating your cities? Belfast is the most important meal of the day.
imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it
i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
[texting]
you mean the wolf to me
-wolf?
ha! autocorrect fail!
-lol
what i meant to say was…you’re a mean wolf to me
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat