I love to see “pan-fried” on a menu. I hate food that’s fried in a shoe or a dolphin or something
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Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap
*licks finger, holds it up in the air*
ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.
Airbnb host reported me for having my friend over so I reported her for having an undisclosed ring camera … we’re having a report
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: *Removing my guinea pig’s party hat and covering its ears* On Guineth Paltrow’s birthday?
I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.
me: so *slaps hood* what will it take to get me into this beauty?
car salesman: you cannot have my sweatshirt
I put hydrogen peroxide on a cut to show 7 it doesn’t MOTHER OF GOD WHAT IS THIS STUFF MADE FROM THE BLOOD OF PIRANHAS?! IT BURNS, IT BURNS!
Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.
told my husband I needed a compliment before bed and he called me “steadfast and chaste” I….
Me: Hi. I’d like to deposit a large amount of cash.
Bank teller: Ok. Where is it?
Me: No, I said I’d like to.
[at gym]
Him: How much do you bench?
Me: Way less than I couch.
Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅
My 7yo lost his lunchbox, but he did bring home a giant leaf, so I guess we’ll just wrap up his lunch in that from now on.
god: [creating sharks] make them apex predators of the ocean
angel: sounds fearsome
god: ya but if you punch them in the face they just immediately leave
Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.
knowing stuff is probably the worst thing you could do for your mental health
My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.
health insurance agent: and do you smoke?
me: *winking* only after sex
hia: *filling in the application* client doesn’t smoke
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM
A web shooter like Spiderman would have so many uses, like I could grab the chips without leaving the couch.
older coworker: i made a cake to celebrate the 25th anniversary of my divorce!
younger coworker: wow, you’ve been divorced longer than i’ve been alive
everyone:
everyone:
everyone:
older coworker: you don’t get any cake
Someone invented a yoga mat that rolls itself. If that person reads this tweet, I have a fitted sheet I’d like for you to look at.
Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!
why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it
“Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?”
– A Novel About Living with Small Children
If you don’t agree with someone’s religious beliefs, just dance really hard in front of them like they did in Footloose and they’ll absolutely change their minds
Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.
Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck got engaged, broke up, married other people, had children, reunited, got married, broke up again, and I’ve been single that whole time.