I love to see “pan-fried” on a menu. I hate food that’s fried in a shoe or a dolphin or something
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Me: I just got hit
911: are you ok
Me: with a car
911: oh my gosh
Me: a toy car
911: oh why did u call us then
Me: its now sticking out of my skull
Jeez, men read so much into it when you ask if they’ll riot by your side in the water wars
At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.
it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)
I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.
“911, how may I help you?”
“Quickly, pretend like you’re my girlfriend”
“Sir, this is for emergen–”
“AAAAW I LOVE YOU TOO HONEY‘!”
Teacher: Thanks getting here at such short notice. It’s about your son.
Me: Clive? What’s he done?
Teacher: Well, he said to another boy in class that “My dad could beat up your dad” and-
Me: What is going on?
Teacher: We are going to find out. This is Mr Smith.
If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.
6: that’s none of your business
4: it IS my business
6:
4: what does business mean
The most successful people I’ve met:
1. Go to work early
2. Stay late
3. Walk home to save money
4. Meet devil at crossroads
5. Trade soul for ability to play fiddle
6. Music career
7. Death, hell
8. Challenge devil to fiddling competition
9. Defeat devil
10. Ascend hell’s throne
if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life because you’ll be unemployed
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.
I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.
[Joseph checking in to hotel]
“Is there WiFi?”
Only in the stable
*later to Virgin Mary*
“Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable”
I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.
I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.
When a Midwesterner buys something at a significant discount it’s important to deflect any compliments about the item and explain how cheap it was
before you call me an idiot consider this: i know
[me being lowered into my grave]
the grave:
please input the SMS code we texted so we can make sure it’s you
i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely
Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?
Diet tip:
Your pants will not get too tight if you do not wear any.
My dog wakes up at 4:30 every morning so he can take a nap by 6.
Good thing you put a swing in your birds cage he’s probably on that thing like
“MAN THIS IS WAY BETTER THAN FLYING”
Trying out a new chicken fried steak recipe tonight because I think it’s important for my kids to learn to reject lots of different kinds of foods.
Waking up has backfired on me so many times
Husband: Don’t the kids have swimming tonight at 6?
Me: It’s at 7.
H: Oh, I was close.
Me: Yeah, the season ended 3 weeks ago.
The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.
Me: If you want to be a Jedi, you have to follow strict rules.
Rey: Like what?
Me: Don’t hook up with anyone. They might be related.