I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.
~Psychopaths.
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telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes
9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas
if the neighbor kid is driving you nuts practicing saxophone you can complain or teach her Careless Whisper – maybe be a problem solver
Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.
Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.
WIFE: You’re embarrassing, ridiculous and an ill informed pseudo intellectual.
ME: “Your”
me: I think my blood’s haunted
doctor: what
me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins
[2 cavemen]
Look what me discover! This game changer!
*grabs it* “This hot! Burn fingers. What you call it?”
*takes back mixtape* FIRE!
My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband’s closet:
English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather
I’m like Pac-Man because I travel in the dark to Dippin’ Dots stands to eat them, all while getting chased by members of the Ku Klux Klan.
Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.
“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid
“First you bug me to go out, and now you want to come right back in? You’ve been out there for like thirty seconds. Did you at least pee? Tell me you at least peed.”
[at Taco Bell]
Me: TWO SOFT TACOS AND A BEAN BURRITO BOYEEEEEE
Speaker: ˢᴵᴿ˒ ᴾᴸᴱᴬˢᴱ ᴾᵁᴸᴸ ᵁᴾ ᵞᴼᵁ’ᴿᴱ ᵀᴬᴸᴷᴵᴺᴳ ᵀᴼ ᴬ ᴸᴵᴳᴴᵀ ᴾᴼᴸᴱ
[first day as marriage counselor]
HER: we’re trying to have a baby
ME: ok I’ll step outside
I bet history classes would be easier if the guy who named the War of 1812 got to name all the other wars.
Glad I had the coat closet redone so that everyone can continue leaving jackets and bags everywhere except the coat closet
Real friends send everyone different addresses for your intervention.
If your drinking story doesn’t involve law enforcement, I’m not listening.
One day they won’t want to hang with you anymore I tell myself as my kids have 47 things to tell me while I’m on the toilet.
*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*
In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.
one time a girl told me she listens to “anything but country” so i played pterodactyl noises on on full volume the whole way to Ruby Tuesday
Relax TV weatherman with your sciencey explanation of today’s fog. It’s a cloud on the ground, just say it. Help me not hate you.
Our lovely neighbours politely mentioned our piano was very noisy. So we put it up for sale on the street what’s app group. Their other neighbours on the other side of their house have literally just bought it
Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related
named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.
She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.
[First date]
Her: I love to travel.
Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.