Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’

Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breast milk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.

If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have to wear tight jeans to Thanksgiving dinner.

Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.

Cellmate: What are you in for?

Me: The free food and healthcare

I had to use my 12 year old son’s AXE bodywash this morning because we were out of soap and when I got to work my boss took one whiff and asked if I rode my skateboard.

The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.

When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.

I wrote ‘DIVORCE’, my wife wrote ‘YES’.

Tough way to find out, but at least I won our last game of Scrabble

Whenever I see someone with spider web tattoos on their elbows I spray them with Raid and attempt to flush them down the toilet.

I can relate to Eminem because I’m also a black man trapped in a white woman’s body.

“how did people keep up with TV before the internet?” my young friend, we didn’t need phones. if you missed an episode, there would be one person in every classroom the next morning re-enacting the plot like a town crier.

Guy inventing dressage: *so drunk* hey do you think we could get a horse to dance, via the ratatouille method

Friend: what the hell does that mean

Guy: we ratatouille the horse

90% of parenting, is saying different variations of “We don’t eat waffles with our feet”.

Putting the table into the shower does make it a little crowded but I needed a good spot for my beer

Ikea Employee: I’m calling security

Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.

Me: I’m pregnant

Him: oh no

Me: with emotion

Him: oh, whew

Me: because there’s a baby inside me

I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.

I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?

A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.

Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.

Cat or sheep

If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.

Husband: Did you put “Deadly Wives” and “Why Women Kill” on our watchlist?

Me, picking up his socks sitting on the floor next to the laundry basket: Should’ve added “How to Get Away with Murder” as well.

Husband: What?

Me: What?

You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids

I’ve finally found a place that sells peanut butter by the splat

Easy ladies. The bulge in my sweat pants is just a sleeve of emergency cookies.

bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size

Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right

Everyone is always doing laundry

*changes name to laundry