Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What is the acceptable amount of deviled eggs one can eat in a job interview? This dude just said 5 is too many, and that CANNOT be right?

Anything is detachable if you pull hard enough.

I’m not a morning person or a night person. I identify as a mid-afternoon snack.

[dinosaur heist movie]
*the expert triceratops safecracker spends 40 minutes unsuccessfully trying to put his ears up to the safe*

[Home after awful day at work, my dog greets me]
Me: At least somebody’s happy to see me!
Dog: *shakes head, pulls banana from pocket*

My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.

Did 900 crunches today. It was a bag of Cheetos, but still.

If you think about it, Santa really has the best job, he works one day a year and spends the rest of his time judging people

if i gave birth in a barn and then a little boy came in and started playing the drums I would throw the baby at him

a nightmare where I’m performing disney on ice – but I don’t know how to do it, so I panic and just fireman-carry my partner around the arena for the entire seven and a half minute song, serenaded by the boos of furious children

My 4 year old nephew once stopped in the middle of soccer game to yell out to his mom that he smelled BBQ.
We are clearly related.

Me: I got you a Butler to help out around the house.

Wife: I specifically said do not get me a Butler.

Me: sorry man, she’s not interested.

Gerard Butler: [sadly] very good Sir.

I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks

Spider-Man: I climb like a spider and shoot webs to prevent crime!

Ant-Man: I shrink to the size of an ant to defeat enemies!

Cowboy: I uh

Spider-Man: Go on!

Cowboy *quietly* I have 4 stomachs

I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.

Waking up a teen for school:

1st try: Time to wake up.
3rd try: Please get up.
10th try: GET UP NOW!

Teen: Why are you yelling?

The best part of being old for the holidays? Nobody bats an eye when you ‘randomly fall asleep’ in the middle of a conversation.

Sometimes I look at my children and think “What did I do to deserve this?”

And other times I think “What did I do to deserve this?”

I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.

Please don’t leave me to my own devices. They’re all out of batteries

I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.

me: I’m in a terrible mood

friend: try drinking some water

me: how dare you my emotions are real and can’t be placated

[immediately after drinking water]
me: okay obviously the water didn’t do anything but I think while drinking I took time to reflect and feel better

*couple’s marriage begins to fall apart*
*marriage counselor blows on them like an N64 cartridge*

Okay how about now

“Babe I wanna ask you something”
*gets down on one knee*
“When The Little Mermaid became human, how’d she know to use a toilet?”
*ties shoe*

I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.

Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell

Veterinarian: Curiosity killed the cat.

Dog: Sure, go with that.

Brain: That guy is annoyed at you. You should feel terrible about it.

Me: But I hate that guy. I shouldn’t care what he thinks of me.

Brain: Yeah, but you do.

My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.

if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back