Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me sitting in the theater waiting for the batman to start

Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”

They say all good things must come to an end…

After 7 wonderful years of marriage…

I walked in on my wife…

Watching Twilight..

My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.

Go to another app where everyone is happy and nice to each other? Gross, why?

Father O’Malley answers the phone. ‘Hello, is this Father O’Malley?’
‘It is!’
‘This is the IRS. Can you help us?’
‘I can!’
‘Do you know a Ted Houlihan?’
‘I do!’
‘Is he a member of your congregation?’
‘He is!’
‘Did he donate $10,000 to the church?’
‘He will.’

I can’t be the only one worried about where spiders go in winter.

I’m at the “my 7 yr old gave himself a hickey on his arm” part of the parenting journey.

Hashtag blessed.

The Very Hungry Caterpillar taught me that I can binge eat carbs and then take a two week nap and I’ll become beautiful.

Sup girl, I hear u like bad boys
*I open the wrong side of juice carton*
*evil spirit flies out*
Oh, so that’s why they say don’t do that

6: I want to grow my hair longer.

Me: Oka—

6: So I can bite it.

Me:

[guy named mark who successfully used his cloning machine] this is remarkable

Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty

me: my car makes a funny noise

mechanic: that’s the horn

1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*

Me: Why is she so loud?

Wife: That’s how she talks.

Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.

HER [sits seductively on my lap] The more you tip…the more I’ll take off

ME [reaches for wallet] This is such a weird way to cut hair

You can’t keep running away from your problems, you’re getting older and your kids are getting faster.

To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.

Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.

I think it’s crazy that we can accidentally make people, but we can’t accidentally make dinner. How nice would it be at the end of the day if we were like I wasn’t really trying to make dinner, but uh… it’s made.

Drank some sparkling water which makes me burpy and its driving my kid insane.

I’ve never thought gas could get any better but here we are.

‘Your place or mine?’

Is the sexiest response to the question:

‘Where shall we bury the body?’

I hate the number 7 like “ohh look at me I’m all prime and lucky ohhhh”. You’re just a wonky 1, grow up already

One time I was at a bar with some friends and I told my one friend he was being belligerent (he was) and for the rest of the night he was like “oh I’m belligerent huh? I’m belligerent?” And it was clear he didn’t know what the word meant

Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.

“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?

My kid: mumma today we met our teacher’s teacher. Our grand-teacher.

Me: Leaving early. Taking my kid to an appointment

Boss: No, you’ve played your last kid card

Me: *slides kid card out from sleeve and slams it down on desk*

Boss: Sonofa

Me: You’re telling me someone broke into the house and the only thing that was stolen was the ice cream?

Husband: (without breaking eye contact) Yes.

I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 😆