I love Trader Joe’s but really wish they had parking lots instead of parking littles
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Palm trees are beautiful but you wouldn’t want one on your team in a rap battle, they’re absolutely useless at throwing shade.
*4yo son, crying*
I’m sorry! How was I supposed to know I wasn’t supposed to cook the macaroni necklace?
*sigh*
Parenting is hard.
Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids
Met a guy who said he worked for Deloitte, just moved back from Istanbul office, so, naturally, I barked ‘Turkish Deloitte!’ Nothing. I said: ‘you probably get that a lot’ and he just said not really. Beginning to worry I’m not good at small talk.
so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip
I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo
Something Saturday.
Blocking someone isn’t enough; I’ll live under their bed and tickle their feet every time they come out of the covers at night.
I accidentally left the cabinet above my fridge open and the kid spotted my secret jellybeans
Coding: Where incessantly talking to yourself seems completely normal and debugging is like being a detective in a movie where you are both the detective and the perpetrator.
Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere
Dear Satan,
God never healed my dyslexia so I’m looking for new religion. Please send some pamphlets. And tell Rudolph hey.
Love,
Me
You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.
A big FUCK YOU to people driving small cars and pulling deep into parking spaces so I think I have a spot until the last second.
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
I get distracted pretty eas
50-year-old drunk bully: “Your mouth is writing checks your body can’t cash.”
20-year-old: “What’s a check?”
It really annoys me when people use the wrong word and don’t have the humidity to admit it
Me: How old am I?
Brain: Give me a minute.
Me: What’s my email password?
Brain: I don’t remember.
Me: Why’d I walk in this room?
Brain: I have no idea.
Me:
Brain: Your high school locker combo was 54-27-14.
Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.
My dad shouted “shut up idiots” to the cats.
I told him “You’re speaking English to a cat. You’re the idiot. You have to meow at them.”
ME: I was at the laundromat washing my unmentionables, and-
HER: You mean your underwear?
*The fabric of the universe starts to tear*
ME: You fool! What have you done?!
peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup
guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.
Doctor: It’s really not that bad. I’ll get you fixed up with 8 stitches.
Me, uninsured: Do I hear 5 stitches?
Accidentally used AXE shampoo to wash my cat the other day and now he’s boxing strays and impregnated 17 dogs
my wife: [hand on coffin] I just miss you so much
me: let me out then
No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.
“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid
I forgot you cant make depression jokes outside of twitter lmao my coworker was like “you ready for this year to be over?” I was like “im ready for this life to be over” he was like bro what