I love Trader Joe’s but really wish they had parking lots instead of parking littles
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[meeting]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: I think we need to get out in front of this. If we’re not on top of it, it will roll over us and we’ll never get out from under it. Can everybody get behind that?
Boss: You’re not allowed to talk anymore.
Me: A man’s bouncy house is his bouncy castle
Wife: I don’t care which one you call it, just let the kids play in it even if it is on “your side”
experienced cop: it’s ok kid, you get used to it
millennial rookie cop, retching near murder scene: the coffee you brought was not artisanal
Masseuse (whispers in my ear): Hey baby, would you like a happy ending?
Me: [flashback to end of Infinity Wars] Yes, please
What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?
My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.
Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.
One time I screamed so hard about a professional athlete not playing through an injury I blew out my back and couldn’t work for a week.
Misery loves company.
Company: “I have a boyfriend.”
A hammock is a terrible place to give or receive bad news.
[showing my chiropractor the scene where the robot stretches Mr. Incredible and fixes his back]: This. I want this.
The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that
therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session
I fed my dogs spaghetti so they could kiss, but instead they’re growling over a cold meatball and not sitting still for my painting.
a 3 y/o asked if i was an adult yesterday, when i said “yes” he goes “why?” and honestly i don’t have a good answer for it. why am i an adult?? i could be anything?!!
The key to a clean house is dim lighting.
Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional
ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that’s true?
WOLVERINE: Nah, don’t listen to her
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
[first weekend away from the kids]
ME: lemme sleep 5 more minutes
PRISON GUARD: ma’am your husband posted bail Friday
How high was Pac-Man tryin to eat ghosts? bruh
I want the free time of the guy who opts in for the after-call survey
Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.
Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up
“Your resume has MPGMA listed under hobbies. What exactly is that?”
Making people guess the meaning of acronyms.
I once worked with a girl that was so hot it was like she lived on another planet. She’d be like “you know how when you go to Subway they always give you free cookies” and I’d be like “no I don’t know that because us ugos have to pay for those cookies”
I don’t think Major Tom was much of an astronaut – Ground Control had to tell him to put his helmet on, FFS. That’s pretty basic stuff.
Retweet to save a life.
#NationalGirlfriendDay
In addition to dental offices, the following should be allowed to offer nitrous oxide:
•car dealerships
•gynecologists
•children’s birthday parties when parents have to stay and wait
•nail salons
•work meetings that last longer than 30 minutes
•baby showers
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state of the art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please