Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[First day of zombie apocalypse]

Me: We have enough food to last 18 months.

Wife: Ok, we need to ration properly-

[Both kids walk in with crumbs on their faces]: Anything left to eat?

Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎

The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band

America only considers a war a success if we build a Bed Bath and Beyond in the enemy’s capital.

Me: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender!

Date: Haha because you say something and he says it back to you

Me: He’s murdered 7 people

I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.

If we keep saving daylight, daylight will never learn to save itself.

Wait a minute—if the cat’s in the cradle, then where—

*baby in kitchen, pushing glasses off table while maintaining eye contact

The bad news is I spent 10 minutes digging in my bag for a comb.

The good news is I found an earring, a penguin, and half a burrito.

I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.

I consider that false advertising.

This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.

Me: Empty the dishwasher, please.
10 y/o: Can’t…need to work on my business idea.
Me: What’s your business idea?
10y/o: I’m gonna charge anyone who pets our dog.
Me:
10y/o:
Me: Do you need a partner, and how much we chargin?

Why did the baker stop making donuts?
Because he was bored with the hole business.

coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once

Dirty Dancing is a really upsetting if you imagine it from the POV of Baby’s dad, a cardiologist who just desperately wanted a few weeks of peaceful vacation.

Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?

facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once

Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?

Me: I don’t know when to quit.

Interviewer: You’re hired!

Me: I quit.

What you say: Don’t make a mess in the bathroom.

What the child hears: There are six bottle of nail polish in the vanity drawer.

My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”

My wife died, so I was a free man.

Then she came back and bit me.

Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?

My kids practically have medical degrees they’re at the nurse so much.

Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?

Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water

I hired an insecurity guard. He said
“I hope you feel safe rn cuz I don’t know if I’m right for the job.”

I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.

People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.

I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.

[in bed]
Him: What are you thinking?
Me: (blushing) I don’t wanna say
Him: You can tell me
Me: I wish I knew more about campaign finance law

PATIENT: Doc, I haven’t been able to bone my wife lately and I really think-
DR DOG: Wait. Tell me more about the bone part

“I’d like to buy this house”
“Will you waive inspection?”
“Sure”
“And waive the assessment?”
“Fine”
“And pay in cash?”
“Ugh, ok”
“And promise you won’t ever live in it?”
“If that gives me the edge”