I love Trader Joe’s but really wish they had parking lots instead of parking littles
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I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice
Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?
‘The cat is up on your counters again.’
~The monster under my bed.
hate playing make believe with little kids. u shoot them with a laser and theyre like “actually i went back in time so it doesnt count”. tf are u talking about. u just casually rip open a hole in the space-time continuum? thats irresponsible as shit pal
i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses
time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.
An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE
It’s crazy people waste their time with hobbies and family when there are strangers on the internet who need to be argued with
I just overheard someone threaten that they were going to “put their foot down”. What kind of threat is that unless you’re Godzilla?
realized that as a doctor i could prescribe girl scout cookies, who needs some
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.
I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.
Today and my dermatologist husband stopped a European man buying sunscreen, saying “I’m not trying to be weird, but that is not the sunscreen for you. I’m a dermatologist.” This man ended up picking out what husband recommended and said “you have great skin so I must trust you.”
Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?
Human: we are an advanced species
A: how do you travel?
H: we light old dinosaurs on fire
running feels great unless you compare it to not running
I’ve had whole relationships shorter than the Game of Thrones opening credits.
The human body is 70% water and 30% land
If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.
According to my iPhone Health app, I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight …. So I got that going for me.
I love that “take out” means food, dating, and murder.
Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?
I’m walking on sunshine, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and I’m startin’ to feel
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THIS IS TERRIBLE
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
Another previously unknown dinosaur was the Thesaurus who used flowery language to confuse and disorient predators while he made his escape
If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun
Fat chances are my favorite chances
Saw online –
When I was a kid, dad would say ‘I’d give that a minute’ as he emerged from the bathroom after a heavy night on the beer.
I vowed I’d never be that crass with my kids, so I don’t give them any such warning.