I love traveling with my husband because it gives us an opportunity to bicker in new and exotic locations.
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“Can I borrow your charger?”
Me: Sure. *offers keys to my pristine 1969 Dodge Charger Daytona*
“I meant for my iPhone.”
Me: Oh, hell no.
*draws sword*
*erases sword because it sucks*
Pro: he does community service
Con: it’s court-mandated
I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.
sorry I’m late. I tripped on my cat and so had to kiss him for 45 minutes
Fighting fire with fire but in the marital bed we’re just fighting wind with wind
I’ve just seen a girl post a selfie with her dead grandma on facebook and thousands have commented “rip”. Stop the internet, I wanna get off
3yo: *follows me into bathroom*
Me: “Privacy, please”
3yo: “Oh, right” *closes door*
“Now we have privacy, Mommy”
*put cooked chicken in oven*
*offer to cook date dinner*
*put raw chicken in oven*
*immediately pull out cooked chicken*
*keep eye contact*
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
Mother: And where did you see this show?
Kid: I saw it on Hulu.
Mother: *raises disapproving eyebrow*
Kid: *sighs* I saw it on Whomlu.
I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.
Me: pick your poison….
Him: a margarita would be nice…
Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad
My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.
look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on
[first date]
Her: I love big hearted people
Me {trying to impress her}: I have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy
I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”
guys I’m going home
I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.
I look at how fast my boys are growing and sometimes feel sad at the thought of them moving out some day. Which immediately turns into anxiety as I think “but what if they never move out?”
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.
Watching Finding Dory & her parents call her “cupcake.” How do they know what that is?
This movie doesn’t seem very realistic, you guys.
Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.
[beside lady with baby]
Her: Smells like someone went poop poop! Does the baby need a change?
Me: *blushing* Yes ma’am.
I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.
sorrey im bad with names. im also bad with faces,, i put my grandma in a headlock, thinking she was the kid that stole my bike in 3rd grade
Gym trainer: are you looking to lose weight or increase cardio and fitness?
Me: I wanna look hot enough so people think I’m a bot
* breathing heavy and trying to keep up with the girl on the treadmill next to me
“So…what are you doing…after they…revive me?”
Me: A bird just flew in the building.
CW: That means someone’s gonna die!
Me: *grabs letter opener
Her:
Me: I don’t make the rules Karen