Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me at home: I want peace on earth and good will to men.

Me while grocery shopping: If one more idiot blocks the aisle, I’m going to run them over with my cart like grandma getting run over by a reindeer.

Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?

Interviewer: So you say you think you’d make a good addition here at our aquarium. Can you expand on that?

Puffer fish: Yes. Yes I can

lawyer: juror number 4 why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?

me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency

People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”

Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”

My wife:

I just got a text from the hospital to confirm my appointment and let me know that they were changing it to a virtual visit.

My appointment is for a colonoscopy.

Cop: Are you drunk?

Me: um if I was drunk, could I do this?

*stands on one foot*

Cop: ok first of all, ow

Bohemian Rhapsody should be an official unit of measure.

“I can shower in 1 Bohemian Rhapsody.”

“Ran a 5K in under 6 Bohemian Rhapsodies.”

Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.

science defines a baby as “a small smooth poopy man, no taller than a lamp”

I also bought this ice cream today, partially because I wanted ice cream and partially because it made me laugh.

She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups

It’s almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.

*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*

In HS I was one of two people on the yearbook commitee & the supervising teacher never showed up so we filled it with stupid jokes/criticism of the administration, & when everyone got their yearbook the school recalled every single copy so they could be burned

Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.

“Will he ever wake up?”

He’s been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull*

*patient wakes up to turn off the music*

“Ewww what is wrong with your mouth?”

Me thru coated lips:
I read that peanut butter is good for chapped lips. What? You think I should have used creamy?

If Disney movies have taught me anything, it’s that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects.

I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.

11 lost a tooth the other day. He threw his tooth in the garbage, walked over to my wallet and took out $2.

He’s a better tooth fairy than I ever was.

I was bitten by a radioactive spider too and all I got was stomped on

My wife thinks that I don’t care for her relatives.

I told her that’s not true. I love her mother-in-law more than I love mine.

white people love ordering something that’s meant to be eaten with rice without rice and then waking up the next day not being able to open their eyes because of sodium bloat and being like why is korean food so salty like you ate enough kimchi jjigae for a family of 5 martha

If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?

A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.

There are 2 screaming kids & a guy talking full voice on his cell in this bank. I’ll wave at you on the news tonight as they lead me away.