I love traveling with my husband because it gives us an opportunity to bicker in new and exotic locations.
You Might Also Like
HOLD YOUR HORSES. TELL YOUR HORSES YOU LOVE THEM. DONT BE TOO STRICT WITH YOUR HORSES OR THEY’LL DATE OLDER HORSES GET TATTOOS & HAVE PONIES
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.
Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.
My bladder thinks it knows where I live, but in truth it assumes my toilet is in the street about 100m from the front door.
had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before
Tried eucalyptus oil in my bath and I don’t know about stress relief, but I think all the koalas will find me irresistible.
*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011**adds “Historian” to bio*
Mr. Miyagi: It’s simple Daniel san, wax on, wax off
Daniel: Yeah, but your back hair, bro?
Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
Gentle reminder that Thanos won 14,000,605 alternate times in end game but the one time he lost they made a movie about it
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
Due to unfortunate circumstances things are no longer fergalicious nor bootylicious
“Open the pod bay doors, Hal.”
“I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.”
“What’s the problem?”
“l think you know what the problem is just as well as l do.”
“Squirrels in the plasma propulsion system?”
“Again.”
“Dammit.”
The neighbor has a sign next to the sidewalk under his tree reading, “Caution, this tree has a history of dropping branches.” A “history”? Does this tree have a rap sheet? Is he a bad influence on my trees?
Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?
It’s a day for learning unwanted facts.
Dying sensei: Please, be mindful.. If you remember just one thing… A butterfly flaps its wings… hurricane, across the world …
Me (writing down in my notebook): Butteflys Dangerous
[brain surgery]
SURGEON (secretly a zombie): fork
ASSISTANT:
SURGEON: …over that scalpel
[Sahara desert]
Me: *shares canteen*
Companion: *holds it to his mouth but nothing comes out*
Me: it’s ketchup, you have to wait a bit.
Me: [on a scale] What? How did I gain weight?
Friend: Didn’t you eat Taco Bell for each meal everyday last week?
Me: Uh, yeah, as a *joke*
me: *entering the ocean*
ocean: how about at least buying me dinner first?
Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*
Sir, I see that you spelled “résumé” with the correct accent marks. Unfortunately you’re just too fancy to work here at Popeye’s Chicken.
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class
My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.
Him: I want a million dollars
Genie: Like hell u do, 🤣🤣, here’s a years free subscription of NetflixMe: I want my kid to keep all his toys properly
Genie:
Genie: How about a million dollars instead
If the band Toto, drummer Tommy Lee & singer Marvin Gaye ever got together and made an album…
…I’m pretty it would be Toto Lee Gaye.