I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰
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Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
wife: I was saving that
me [eating bacon] It expires today
*wife checks package*
*sees I crossed out the date and wrote “today”*
This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?
A roomba that swears every time it hits something.
My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.
Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.
Me on a diet: being fat is fine.
Nature Valley granola bar: 42 grams
Crumbs left after eating it: 43 grams
If you hit an iceberg, you’ll know because Celine Dion will start playing
*man on tv sweeps items off desk and passionately embraces woman*
Me: How romantic.
*husband passionately throws folded laundry off bed*
Me: WTF
The stages of giving my dog a new stuffy:
1) oh my god for me?!
2) this is the best day ever
3) this house is full of thieves trust no one
Accidentally turned my clocks back too far and ended up at a Wham concert.
Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off
btw the stereotype of americans i have run into the most so far in europe is that americans work themselves to death for nothing
The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.
Get your shit together, people at McDonald’s drive thru who sit there all confused like the menu hasn’t been the same for the last 50 years
longing is fun but i prefer “shorting,” where i want something for like a day and then realize never mind
Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood
I was going to sign this permission slip to let my daughter watch The Grinch at school but I haven’t heard back from North Korea yet.
pillsbury doughdad: [turning oven down] put a dang sweater on if you’re so cold, you naked moron
[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.
Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.
Boss asked if I was ready for more responsibility. I’m eating around a sticker on an apple cause I’m too lazy to peel it off so I guess no.
I ate an entire pound of blueberries today so honestly I hope some oxidants try to step to me I’ll send them crying to their mommies
melted five butterfingers together and made a butterfist
We have a very jittery first time flyer celebrating their 90th birthday today! So if you’re flying to Alicante with Ryanair this evening, remember to say Happy Birthday to the pilot.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Goodyear: tires
Badyear: 2020
Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”