Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Scuba diving instructor: Be careful not to get too close to the sharks

*under breath* or they’ll break your heart and move in with your brother

king: the gods are angry with us

advisor: let’s throw a virgin into the volcano

king: how would that help

advisor: [throwing stephen in] help what

A wise man once told me,

“Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that”

Bay: come over

Me: no, I’m watching TMNT

Bay: I made one too

Me: but it’s awful

Bay: come watch it

Me: who gave you my number, Michael

So I just moved into my new apartment.

Directly below me is a police station.

It would appear that I am above the law.

I Saw someone say Florida upside down look like the grinch and after i flipped my Phone i’m mad i can’t unsee it😭😭😭

I WANT NERVOUS CHAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!

Who called it “Monkey Business” instead of In-Ape-propriate behavior?

*7 yr old talks about red dwarfs and neutron stars for 40 minutes straight*

My mom: Wow, that’s amazing. So are you going to be an astronaut when you grow up?

7, incredulously: No, I’m going to be a ninja.

ME: How much for the dehydrated otter?

PET STORE OWNER: That’s a weasel

The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.

Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.

E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.

Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.

CLIENT: remember what i said
HITMAN: yeah make it look like my little brother
CLIENT: huh
HITMAN: an accident
CLIENT:
HITMAN: i do comedy too
CLIENT: are you any good
HITMAN: i always kill
CLIENT:
HITMAN: that was a joke
CLIENT: ah

I just want to retire to Ireland and eat fish & chips every day, is that too much to ask?

My bank account: Yes

911: what’s your emergency?
me: what’s YOUR emergency?
911: *starts crying* omg no one’s ever asked me that before!
me: jk I’ve been stabbed

Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.

If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…

Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend

Welcome to your 40s.

If you don’t have a back pain, one will be assigned to you.

“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.

man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot

me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake

If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away

Find a man who pays attention to what you say as much as Google ads does

I have never bought a snack faster on name alone in my life.

You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened

GAME SHOW HOST: Dave, welcome to Embarrass Yourself For Little To No Gain. Are you ready?
ME: Buddy, I’ve been training my entire life for this.

People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.

I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills