Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hear me out – fortune hotdogs

I once went out with a girl that said she was flexible like a Slinky. Two flights of stairs later, I decided she wasn’t.

Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim

Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow

Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet

Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.

Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise

Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think

cave of wonders: only one may enter here

aladdin: abu has to wait outside?

cave of wonders: oh, pets don’t count

abu: *steals*

cave of wonders: OK PETS COUNT

BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive

I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.

When Americans say Math instead of Maths I find it so damn exy

My ransom was dropped from $30,000 to fifty bucks when my parents told my kidnappers it’d take 2 days to come up with the money.

[spider in house]
me: oh hey buddy, you lost? let me take you outside

[ants in house]
me, wildly shooting bug spray: I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!

I’m sure there’ll be some making distasteful jokes about Williams’ death. How annoying for them that he would have thought of funnier ones.

Hey guys I’m so thrilled to announce that I’ll no longer be thinking! This has been a lifelong goal, and I’m so grateful to everyone who helped get me here

sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?

ROBIN: Let me drive the Batmobile.

BATMAN: Never. I’d rather let Superman-

[wall breaks down]

SUPERMAN: OMG REALLY

BATMAN: No.

12th Law of Nature: If an adult attempts to nap during the day, an equal and opposite adult will turn on a lawn mower.

Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret.

Pat: Thank you.

Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.

Maybe Bowser is mad at Mario because he’s terrible at plumbing, flooded with castle with lava, and left exposed unfinished pipes everywhere…

(1st day in heaven)

Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF

Autocorrect changed “I’ll make better tweets” to “I’ll bake better tweets” so now I suspect my tweets are also cake.

Guy on SportsCenter just said Tiger Woods is “swinging a mean stick”, so look out, ladies. He’s back.

Me: That tree is impeckable

“Don’t you mean impeccable?”

*cut to woodpecker with a broken beak*

Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?

WIFE: Can you send these party invites out?
ME: Sure *throws them out window*
WIFE: Did you-
ME: If they’re meant to come, they’ll come.

dating apps never work for me because i need at least two years of friendship charged with weird sexual tension to even consider falling in love

Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”

[writing my will]

me: what is cremation

lawyer: they’ll turn your body into ash

me: oh sweet so do i also get a pikachu