Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whenever I’m in doubt, I ask myself “What would Jesus do?” then I remember Jesus got crucified, his decision making skills weren’t brilliant

Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.

I went to the dentist to get a crown put in. Told the hygienist I was there for my coronation. Then apologized for being the several hundredth person to say that. She said I was the first!

WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today

ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school

i love banana bread you just buy a bunch of bananas and then ignore them for a while and finally you’re like ok u will be bread now

I’m sorry Mr. Simmons. I really enjoy babysitting little Timmy, but I’m only 14. I need real money, not bitcoin.

Flex on your kids by asking “are we there yet?” before they do

have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…

Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.

My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison

Me: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure

Garbage truck driver: are you seriously doing an Italian job on a garbage truck?

Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles

Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.

What I said: No

What I meant: No

What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.

If I ever got kidnapped my kidnapper would be like ‘why are you so good at sitting in one room for a long period of time without showering?’

Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.

ME: These frog testicles are delicious!

GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.

I keep telling my dog that it’s just wind there’s nothing to worry about. He’s not getting it. He just looks at me like bro, if you don’t let me go outside rn and bark at that wind, it’s gonna kill us!

Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.

Harry: so a time turner turns back time

Dumbledore: yes

Harry: to, say, stop two murders

Dumbledore:

Harry: hello

Dumbledore [loudly chewing jelly beans]: crazy how Pluto isn’t a planet anymore lol

When your lying in bed and you sneeze upwards towards a moving ceiling fan there’s really no need to take a shower for the rest of the day.

Trust me on this.

I wish you were here with me baby

So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up

Was feeling really good about myself after an attractive man smiled at me on the elevator at work and told me I smelled great. Until I got to my desk and realized. Gentle reader, I had a sausage McMuff in my laptop bag.

COP: drop the gun

CRIMINAL: no

COP: [flipping through police handbook, whispers to partner] it doesnt say what to do if he says no

Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.

Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit

Swedish for common sense.

-Ordering a pizza $40

-Having it delivered $5

-Having your kids eat the whole thing before you get home

Sliceless

[at the gym]

wheat: *flexing* you like what you see babe?

*shredded wheat walks by*

wheat: SONOFA

God: *creating Eve from Adam’s rib*

Adam: That’s a weird way to make people

God: Lol wait till you see how she does it