I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰
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[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom
I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.
Friends with no kids are like:
Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?
My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”
*kid finds Easter Basket
Noodles, sauce, cheese, meat, what’s going on dad?
“What else you get?!”
A lasagna recipe..
“Great make dinner”
her: did you wrestle in high school?
me: do my emotions count?
So far this “doctor” has insisted on giving me a haircut and 9 shots for a stomach ache and when I questioned her credentials she called the police on me.
4: *hands me toy phone* Talk to them.
It’s 2015. I can’t believe we’re still referring to a dress as colored.
Me: I love peanuts but can’t be bothered chewing them.
Peanut butter salesman: Oh boy, have I got the thing for you!
At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.
who called it girl dinner and not the female graze.
my father died in a conga line and so shall i
You can’t swing a dead cat without hitting someone crazy here!
Of course, if you’re swinging a dead cat you probably shouldn’t be so judgy.
Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.
I’m listening to an anger management podcast and after every point the host makes he directs us to his website to buy his program and ngl it’s pissing me off
A candy wrapper fell out of my pocket and my kid picked it up and waving it around like a trophy, began an interrogation about where it was from, when I had eaten it, and what it was doing in my pocket. Isn’t it obvious that I stuffed it in there to avoid exactly this situation?!
*Walks into brothel*
One chicken soup to go please
I don’t go to Starbucks very often. It’s intimidating. I never know how to order. Last time I ended up with a cup of hot dog water.
[walking somewhere]
My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!
In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.
To the parent who sent their kid with slime as a Valentine to the class I just want you to know that I will send my daughter with kinetic sand to give to your kid as a thank you gift.
Today is the perfect day to hide Easter eggs. They’ll never expect it.
Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call
If you want my kids to actually act thankful on Thanksgiving serve kraft mac n cheese, goldfish and apple
juice.
Because I’m a loving wife I got my husband some chocolates for Valentine’s Day and because I’m his wife I ate all of them.
People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.
Why I still can’t play Chess:
Older brother trying to teach me: “And this piece is?”
Me: “Horse.”
OB: “…the Knight.”
Me: “Ah, but see how I remember it is it moves horseizontally.”
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
Banker: So, you’d like a loan, to start an all marsupial fighting championship?
Me: Yes. I call it Mortal Wombat.
Banker:
Me:
Banker: I’m in.
My neopet probably thinks I’m dead
I sing this with my entire soul to anyone within earshot. I truly believe, in my heart of hearts, that anything that is broken can always be mended.
-The inventor of duct tape, probably