I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰
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INTERVIEWER: It says here you can communicate telepathically?
ME:
IN: Is this an ability you have always had?
ME:
IN: Please say something.
ME: help theres a burglar in my home
911: a what?
ME: a burglar
911: a burglar?
ME: yes burglar
911: who says burglar? lmao
BURGLAR: lol “oH No a bUrGLaR”
911: haha thats exactly what he sounds like
Bakery worker: Can I get you something?
Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.
I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.
I love reading replies to long-deleted tweets and comments and trying to piece together the original context like some kind of twitter archaeologist
I’m explaining to my mom this is what happens when a goth girl wished for global annihilation as she blew out her birthday candles.
I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids
I hate it when you accidentally pick off a bit of dead skin on your lip and you can’t stop until you’ve peeled your entire face off.
I wasted so many years trying to fit in, covering my accent, starving myself, straightening my hair, and trying to make others like me. The moment i realized that wasn’t freedom and said NO MORE, my entire life changed!! We are always enough as we are❤️
ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.
I’m doing the 30 day taco cleanse
no one:
not a soul:
my daughter: if I ever get rich I’m going to buy a family crypt for all of us because we don’t want random dead people buried around us
synchronized noseblowing
[At my funeral]
Polite people: Well, he’s in heaven now.
Twitter followers: Let’s not make any assumptions.
I don’t mean to alarm you but today is Friday the 26th, which is twice as bad as Friday the 13th
bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong
captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain
*first date*
Her: I’m a bit of a night owl
Me: Surely as most owls are nocturnal then it’s just an owl
H: Well, aren’t you a hoot
Me, to my Greek aunt: Want to come over for dinner?
Her: No, thanks.
Me, to the same aunt: We have nothing to eat. Want to help us make dinner?
Her: On my way. I’ll be stopping at four stores to pick up ingredients. Set oven to 450. I’ll bring my own cooking utensils.
Me:🤦🏻♂️
[waving hands and chasing down ice cream truck] Hey!
“What’ll it be?”
[out of breath] Nothing. Just wanted to tell you I’m vegan
“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”
People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it
Wife: We should go camping
Me: Yay
*waits til wife is gone to tell kids the Blair Witch Project plot. Camping trip turns into visit to NYC*
Judge: Did you commit murder?
Me: I’m a man. I’m afraid of commitment.
Judge: hahaha!
Me: hahaha!
Judge: Life.
My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover
“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”
*Buys everyone snacks
A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.
OMG I’M SO OLD AND OUT OF TOUCH WITH POP MUSIC WHAT SONG DOES BREXIT SING
[5:30AM]
BRAIN: I’ll just go to the bathroom, but keep my eyes closed so I don’t wake up.
BODY: I’ll just clip my head on the door frame.