Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Tears for Fears: Everybody wants to rule the world.

Me: Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.

I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.

If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!

would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole

Do you have to go to the bathroom?
No
You sure?
Yes
How about now?
No
Now?
No
[movie begins]
Daddy?
FOR CRYING OUT LOUD

Why it’s called a cellular membrane and not a gene-jacket I’ve no idea.

Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice

Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,

I have so many chores that I need to do, what Netflix show should I binge watch?

Engineer: we’ve done it. We’ve created the most advanced robot known to man, even capable of feeling emotion
Boss: can he read slightly jumbled letters when trying to sign up to a website?
Engineer: obviously not

I’m weird but not “sit around the house with my shirt tucked in even though I’ve got no plans to leave” weird. That shit’s 4 serial killers.

My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.

[Enters Building]
“Excuse…”
*Voice fades*
“… anyone…”
“… how to…”
“… out this…”
“… ving door?”

Chicken: Hey look, another egg! Will you look after it for me, like the others?

Farmer: Sure

Chicken: How many chicks do I have now?! Can’t wait to meet them all

Farmer:

The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.

Trying to figure out if this girl from high school and her husband got divorced. I’m incredibly busy

I hope there’s a special place in hell for the guy who, right as the Zoom meeting leader was wrapping up, self-indulgently pontificated for five minutes and extended the meeting thus forcing me to involuntarily test the microphone “mute” feature with an epic string of expletives.

interviewer: describe yourself in one word

me: great listener

Him: I want a million dollars
Genie: Like hell u do, 🤣🤣, here’s a years free subscription of Netflix

Me: I want my kid to keep all his toys properly
Genie:
Genie: How about a million dollars instead

Someone’s hair in my food: bad, disgusting, indicative of chaos behind the scenes

My own hair in my food: hey it happens, welcome home my son, spend as much time in my mouth as you need

never forget

I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.

Mum to child: Have you got a sticker we could use?
Child produces 6 billion.

me: this used to be a Pizza Hut, you can always tell no matter what they turn it into

prison guard: no talking after lights out

Me at 5 pm: I wonder how many calories are in this shot of whiskey

Me at 9 pm: HoW mAnY cAlOrIeS iN a 5TH oF wHiSkEy *hiccup*

I’m 38 and still have no idea what to do with my hands while I’m being arrested.

(looking up from my book) only a couple words in and already i know i’m gonna like this book. this dickens guy immediately establishes that it was the best of times. people used to write about that kind of thing, just good guys having a nice time. (i turn back to the book) f***!

I hope this email finds you-

Waldo: *slams laptop shut* holy fuck that was close

There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx

You make me want to be a better sentence completer.