I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰
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Why are clothes so expensive? It should not cost this much to not be naked. As a matter of fact, people should be paying me not to be naked.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of his food but I was not aware he was just an untalented guy being controlled by a rat
ME: *Opening my office Secret Santa gift and it’s a loaf of bread* Wooow, well, thank you, to WHOEVER this was from!
MY ONLY DUCK COWORKER: *Whispers excitedly* It was me. I was your Secret Santa.
ME: *taking their hand* It’s okay. We all struggle with connecting.
RABBID RACCOON: *hissing & desperately trying to wrench its hand free*
My hypnotist is not a quack. I have never googled my hypnotist. My hypnotist has not stolen from me.
We couldn’t come up with anything better than “open-face” to describe a sandwich without a top? Open-face is what happens when you encounter a bear in the woods.
this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him
Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.
You can stop sacrificing goats now.
If you ever catch me staring blankly during our conversation it’s because I can’t remember if it’s my turn to say words or yours.
I got my followers the old fashioned way – with tranquilizer darts.
Recent evidence indicates that Earth is indeed bi-polar, as we’ve always suspected.
righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.
– factory defect men’s underwear
IF I HAD A NICKLE EVERY TIME A GOP OFFICIAL CALLED TRUMP’S BEHAVIOR “UNACCEPTABLE” BUT ACCEPTED HIM AS NOMINEE I COULD START A FAKE COLLEGE
I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.
Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?
[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal
Please do it!
(whispering to my tv remote after i put new batteries in it) as soon as somethin else in the house needs batteries im gona take these from u
[sees a zebra for the first time]
What’s up with that horse?
[sees a giraffe for the first time]
Okay, what the hell is going on today?
God creating the duck: waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo
Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.
good morning to everyone but especially to the woman in the dunkin donuts who smashed two glazed donuts together and ate them like a sandwich
The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
Hogwarts doesn’t teach anything but magic because if one wizard learns law the school with a child-bludgeoning tree is the first thing getting sued.
Fingers crossed that Cupid hits me in the carotid artery.
Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels
I texted my husband “I want pizza but I need to go to the gym” in the hopes that he would try and steer me back on the right path and motivate me to go to the gym. But instead he replied “Same, let’s get pizza” and so yes it is true that marriage makes you fat
“No pain no gain” I whisper shoving in my 8th donut.