Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house

Son: But I’m not hungry!

Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!

My 4yo just saw two people french kissing on TV and asked me why they were “eating each other,” so I’m open to suggestions here.

I started drinking more water and now all my workouts consist of walking back and forth to the bathroom.

I asked my 4 year old why he was heading into the garage and he casually replied, “don’t worry, dad, I’m just grabbing a hammer.” I know I should intervene, but part of me hopes he’s going to fix the loose baseboard in the hallway.

*Googles myself*

“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”

It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.

The worst fight I’ve ever been in is with Clingwrap.

Last week a friend told me she’s looking forward to her toddler turning 3 because she’s tired of the defiant stage. I’m still laughing.

new bit: referring to my husband as my “ex-boyfriend”

You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.

Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*

Make *almost* everyone want to murder you by talking to yourself.

Make *everyone* want to murder you by sing-talking to yourself.

[Gets Pulled Over]

Cop: Have u been drinking?
Me: No osiffer
C: What did u call me?
M: I mean orifice
C: …
M: …office chair?
C: Get out

captcha starting to give us tasks like we’re in a saw movie or something.

He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are.

That’s how the fight started

I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.

ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.

It’s a myth that comedians stop being relevant after they turn 40. I managed it in my mid twenties.

Something I ordered off ebay 8 months ago just arrived. Package says “by air”, so I’m assuming it was attached to a paper airplane.

When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?

Stopped drinking coffee 3 days ago, and feel less and less addicted to caffeine with every new cup of my own pee.

Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.

Me, reading some of your tweets

In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.

Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”

Me: “Which kind?”

Friend: “Motivational.”

Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.

Bae: come over
Me: I can’t, I’m hanging out with your parents.
Bae: my parents aren’t home.
Me: I know. I just… You never listen Susan.

I don’t understand what’s happening here.

sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.