i love treating twitter as my diary. this is my zoo enclosure and my followers are the tourists watching me eat hay
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On any given microwave, there’s only one button to me. It doesn’t matter what I’m cooking I just keep hammering popcorn until it’s done.
*plot twist*
plot: ouch!!!
My toddler begged to go swimming and then threw a tantrum because she didn’t want to get wet in case you were on the fence about having kids
starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side
Cutting Crew: I just died in your arms tonight. Must’ve been something you said…
Me: *closing book of spells* Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit!
Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.
Snapes on a plane.
You make a compelling argument, Morty.
*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*
Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow
Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy
That eye roll….
I’m sorry mrs jackson
I am four eelsI didn’t mean to make your daughter cry
I am several fish and not a guy
I need real life DIY youtube videos. I want to see the guy start to explain then be like “oh shit I forgot this part” or “dammit I got the wrong thing!” And drive to Lowe’s 47 times. Don’t give me that 4 min video Dave. We all know it took you 13 hours.
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.
5: Mommy said I’m a big boy and can’t sleep in her bed anymore
Me [sleeping on couch] she’s right son
What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?
Feyonce.
*drops mic, throws up dynasty sign*
My parents are just back from Little Women. My mam absolutely loved it but my dad isn’t happy because there was a Waterford Crystal bowl in the background of a scene and Waterford Crystal wasn’t around back then and therefore, the movie is no good.
Me: Maybe it’s the weed talking but your apartment seems enormous
IKEA Manager: Sir.
Your bio says you’re 29, your selfies suggest you slept with Hemingway.
My battle cry is, I’M TRYING TO PEE! STOP KNOCKING ON THE DOOR!!
And 5’s battle cry is, I’M NOT KNOCKING ON THE DOOR! I’M KNOCKING ON THE WALL NEXT TO THE DOOR!
My well-meaning colleague was extolling the virtues of Vitamin D supplementation to me by saying “Most of us need more D than we’re getting and it’s almost impossible for us to get enough D naturally so we need to get our D from other sources” and I kept SUCH A STRAIGHT FACE
13yo forgot where she put her kindle and 9yo offered to help her find it, and my husband and I couldn’t stop laughing because those two can’t find anything.
If I ever got kidnapped my kidnapper would be like ‘why are you so good at sitting in one room for a long period of time without showering?’
justin timberlake: lose the “the.” just “facebook.” it’s cleaner
mark zuckerberg: wow. yeah
me: [bought the domain name “ back in 1997 and have been looking for my opening ever seen]: or what if we called it yogurt dot com
This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would
Me: I don’t believe the world is round…
Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*
Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid
Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that
I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance
love when my grandparents tell me the story of how they met and got together because suddenly I find myself googling things like “statute of limitations India” “how to report a crime from 1942” “can I report a crime in India if I live in America”.
Jellyfish have no brains yet are capable of learning from past experiences. They will change their behavior to avoid repeating a negative event.
Meanwhile you’re sitting there texting your ex again