i love treating twitter as my diary. this is my zoo enclosure and my followers are the tourists watching me eat hay
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It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain’t good.
[1 AM]
BRAIN: Let’s play the insomnia game.
ME: Nope. *downs NyQuil*
BRAIN: How dare you…
ME: *drifts off*
BRAIN: Begin diarrhea subroutine!
I text “just met my future husband!” to at least one friend after each first date, just to ensure someone has a cute anecdote to tell at our wedding
When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:
-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?
ME: *watching a meteor shower
METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.
My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.
Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich
[at my funeral]
boss : you’re LATE
Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?
I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful
If your wife says “take out the trash” do not reply with “you cooked it you take it out.”
Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.
I will never forget when my mom tried to use her cancer to get my sisters boyfriend of 7 years to propose by saying “don’t make me go to my oldest daughters wedding bald Steve” and he looked this woman dead in the eyes and responded “they make really good wigs now, Joan” ruthless
If breakfast is the most important meal of the day, what does that make the rest of them?
Is lunch like the middle child of meals? Never getting any attention.
Is dinner the child that tried to follow in the footsteps of breakfast? Failed miserably and ended up a drunk instead?
Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.
[Me]: “I have hat-like reflexes”
[You]: Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
[Me]: *sitting on top of your head* “Nope”
According to all these BMI charts…
I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.
If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.
the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.
What in the hipster hell is going on here
If I were one of the sciencers, I would simply do this
We need a grocery store aisle for 4-year-olds’ unreasonable requests:
– Chicken nuggets but with fish (NOT fish sticks, are you insane?)
– Cold hot chocolate, but the marshmallows still melt
– Crackers with fewer crumbs (ok, that one’s for the parents, but still)
So 10’s school is having PJ day tomorrow and asked the parents who drop off to wear theirs too..
Should I tell them I sleep in the nude or just show up?
I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.
I like to think that all my unfollowers have violated their parole and been sent back to the big house. Just kidding, I hope they’re dead.
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”
I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”
Asked my height at the doctor’s office today. I confidently told the nurse 6 feet (as I have my entire adult life), and she responded with, “Well, I’m getting 5’11-and-a-half” in the obliviously cheery tone of someone who’s decided to rip somebody’s life apart on a Friday morning
I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.