I love triscuits. It’s like eating a basket
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The best part about my sex life is all the free time it affords me.
CASHIER: would you like to donate one dollar to charity?
ME: no thank you
SATAN (sitting on a throne made of human skulls): excellent choice
biggest issues with Australia?
✅ no late afternoon coffee
✅ footwear
✅ lack of nukes
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: well they took my bag of doll heads so you tell me
Me: Damn i really need to do my essay
Also me:
Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks
Has anyone ever died from waiting for a group of people to decide what they want to eat.
Don’t make me out nice you.
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
i mean yes babe u look so prety yes u do
batman is not a cool as u
I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.
“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”
Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
people act like Marie Kondo held them at gunpoint and forced them to burn their books when her suggestions are all things like “maybe throwing out all those expired coupons in your drawer might make your life a little easier? if you love your expired coupons though enjoy them!!”
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep. we landed a robot on mars.
Scientists today: for the last time, the earth is round.
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die
[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?
if you can’t handle me at my honk shoo honk shoo, you don’t deserve me at my mimimimimi
MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.Baffled by bra hooks.
when the doctor brings med students into your exam
We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79
*getting murdered* omg stop you can get in a lot of trouble for this.
I like how Band-Aids come in 2 varieties: Stays on For a Second Before Falling Off or Needs WD-40 For Removal From Skin.
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
I wrote a book on penguins.
Honestly, it would have been much easier if I wrote it on paper.
I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.
Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.
Me: If I ever decide to commit a murder I am going to make a doll out of my hair to put in the victim’s house.
Friend: why?
Me: That way they look crazy and there is a reason my hair is at the crime scene.
Friend: (backing away slowly) sounds well thought out.
When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right
If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper
♫ Hey there Delilah, for your word spell Mississippi
“May I have the definition?”
The state siblings can get frisky ♪
and cousins toooo ♫
Not sure video Instagram is a good idea. I’ve never looked at a picture of someone’s dinner and thought, “If only I could hear this.”