I love triscuits. It’s like eating a basket
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Was excited about this gym membership I got for Christmas, but today I found out you’re not supposed to “just watch.”
My ex-girlfriend was an exhibitionist although she preferred the term ‘curator of an art gallery’.
Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.
Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH
Dollar General is too expensive for me. I’m looking for the 50 Cent Lieutenant Colonel.
If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van
I text “just met my future husband!” to at least one friend after each first date, just to ensure someone has a cute anecdote to tell at our wedding
[Meeting]
*Gestures to pie chart* “Now as you can see this chart is not nearly as delicious as it sounds.”
Me: Work until your bank account looks like a phone number.
Also me: No, $9.11 does not count.
KID: *falls out of tree* I’m fine
ADULT: *sleeps on neck a little strangely* I have to turn my whole body to look at you for the next week
I wish forks had three prongs instead of four. I’d feel so powerful eating with a miniature trident. I want to dominate my food, not give it acupuncture.
I don’t like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.
I think we should hear other voices.
Friend: you’re so lucky you don’t have a job
Me, a stay-at-home mom, now with one less friend: so lucky
Remember being young and having your whole life in front of you? Now my back hurts most days and I get unreasonably angry when a car engine is too loud.
i don’t have a lot of great life advice but one thing i can 100% tell you is don’t be the person sending angry drunk texts after midnight
Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?
TWITTER REHAB IS GOING GOOD YOU GUYS I GOT A NEW FRIEND HE HAS SPECIAL SUGAR AND IT’S AWESOME AND MY YARD HAS 3,957,268 BLADES OF GRASS!!!!
Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?
Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!
😂
It’s so funny when someone writes a song to try to get someone to have sex with them. That’s what a bird would do!
Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.
Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.
Sorry I’m late to the zoom meeting, my toddler insisted I diaper her unicorn and the tail kept getting in the way
Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
I’m the kindest, sweetest person you’ll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I’d probably throw in my laundry.
Actually, your email does not find me well. I had to talk on the phone twice today, my bananas ripened too quickly and I found a fork in the spoon section of the drawer.
My life is spiraling out of control.
You only pronounce the ugh in doughnut when it’s so, so, good. That’s why American doughnuts are spelled like donut.
I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.
cop: you’re coming with me
me: [being handcuffed] but i don’t even know you
cop: get in the car
me: will you take me to disneyland
cop: what do you think
me: maybe
WARNING: Ham radios taste nothing like ham!