I love triscuits. It’s like eating a basket
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I’m automatically suspicious of anyone who seems to really like me. From now on I want to see nothing but tepid enthusiasm from you, Sunshine.
*hides recorder in box*
*puts box in safe*
*locks safe*
*digs 50-foot hole*
*throws safe in*
*covers hole*
[5 minutes later]
9yo: *playing recorder*
Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.
Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist
dril cadence
challenging Dwayne Johnson to a fight and showing up with the biggest paper bag you’ve ever seen
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.
I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest
11’s thoughts on tonight’s dinner: “Well, it didn’t make me gag, so I ate it.”
The rewards of motherhood are truly breathtaking.
[interview]
“How would you describe your people skills?”
ME: I tend to drive others away.
“That’s great! Welcome to Uber.”
ME: Whatcha doin?
WIFE: Watchin Dune.
ME: I asked you first, Sharon.
North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.
when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak
We shouldn’t point out other people’s grammar mistakes because one day it will be you’re turn. Yore turn. You are turn. Goddamn it.
Did you hear about the armored car guard who was really surprised to get fired?
He thought he had job security…
4: *tells me a loooong rambling story about school*
Me: *asks her ONE follow up question*
4: don’t want to talk about it anymore
[Dr’s office]
“I have Carrie like reflexes”
Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
*Dr hits my knee with reflex hammer and I set him on fire*
No
The question had been asked millions of times over thousands of years and I don’t know if science will ever answer the question:
How can a child this small take up so much room in a king sized bed
Maternity.
Sounds like you’re going to be pregnant forever.
me: “im using this quarantine to learn something new each day”
friend: “what did you learn today?”
me: “guitar”
friend: “no way you learned guitar in one day. prove it”
me, opening a guitar case: “this is a guitar”
friend:
me: “tomorrow im going to learn what a piano is”
Drop a ring pop in front of him. If he picks it up and hands it back to you… Congratulations! You’re engaged.
All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.
Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—
4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.
Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.
Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit
If I was a zombie I’d be selective about which brains I ate.
Some of you would be empty calories.
Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup
the amazon drone struggles to stay in the air & nearly takes out a police helicopter as it makes its way to my house carrying 45 pounds of mustard
people who ask you to take your shoes off before you come inside just want to use your socks to clean their floors as you walk. don’t fall for their trap. don’t be a mop.
If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.