Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead

Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.

Parenting just means you have to pretend you like to eat fruits and vegetables in front of your kids knowing you’d rather eat a cheeseburger instead.

Outfit choices
Work: jeans & a t-shirt
Hanging out: jeans & a t-shirt
Special event: jeans & a t-shirt
Stalking your ex: jeans & a t-shirt
Having a nice lunch: jeans & a t-shirt
Doctor appt: khakis & a nice shirt so you appear to have it together

Just caught a glimpse of myself in a shop window and realised I’ve got my trousers on upside down 🤦🏻‍♂️

Therapist: Participate in a hobby your partner enjoys.
Me: Like sitting on paper bags?
Therapist: No, not your cat. A human partner.
Me: Oh.

DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.

Hey i am sexy to you now

“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.

If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don’t like it, you can always take them Bach

Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.

After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.

Me: I’d like to return this

Customer Service: this is the missing mop from the janitor’s room

Me: ya it sucks

Is it even the holidays if you don’t have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?

FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind

[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?

I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.

If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes

Bloke outside my window has had his car engine running for about 20 minutes now, while jazz plays loudly on the radio within. Just in case you were wondering what I’ll be citing as “mitigating circumstances”.

“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive

“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive

[on a date]
*showing her pics of my pet lizards*
ME: “and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth”
HER: “I must have sex with you immediately”

all the video games my bf plays are like “would you like to Search Beehive?” and he’ll say yes and it’ll be like “you have found: A Bee”

Sometimes I’ll order things online & pay for handling but not shipping. I don’t want the product; I just want them to move it around a bit.

Obama says he supports gay marriage because his views have “evolved.” Republicans unsure which half of the sentence to get more angry about.

i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls

A group of toddlers is called a migraine

Not to get political, but gravy is a soup.

[making the first boat]
“How do we get across this river?”
ME: we gotta build a boat
“What’s a boat?”
ME: that’s what we gotta figure out