Ugh! You. Are. A. Terrible. Kisser.
If your looking for my tonsils, I had them taken out when I was 8…
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(Me giving a Rorschach test) What do you see?
Patient: A house and
Me: Wrong it’s Batman. Ok this one?
Patient: I se
Me: Nope. Batman again.
who did the taste test?
Kevin didn’t know how much longer he could fake laugh at Linda’s dumb jokes, but he did know he didn’t want to be glue.
You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables
I don’t think “House” was the right name for that Hugh Laurie show. Based on what I saw, it should have been called “Hospital”
Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas
yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese
2: [looks at old photo]
Papa you have no beard?Me: That was a long time ago, before Papa grew one.
4: [looks at same photo]
This before Mama had one, too?My wife:
Me: [sighs] 4 years. You had a good run, son.
*does hair and makeup*
*drives to the gym, takes selfie*
*leaves*
No thank you free mattress on the side of the road, I prefer to get my crabs the old fashioned way, by sleeping with complete strangers.
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me: moves 1 centimetre
Husband: I’ll take a bowl of ice-cream while you’re up
When you have 7 guests and a set of 6 mugs how do you decide which one to kill to maintain uniformity?
People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.
Sharks are so misunderstood. They ONLY eat people’s legs because they want you to transform into a mermaid and be friends with them.
You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.
Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
put my earbuds in so i wouldn’t have to talk with the man next to me on the plane and he asked if he could “borrow one so we could listen together”
crochet youtube is brutal
I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.
*getting caught filling up neighbor’s trash can*
Omg Karen, I just looove your trash can! Where did you get it?
cop: any drugs on u
me: on or in
cop: what
me: what
This day in history. 1965. The Who’s equipment van was stolen while they were inside the Battersea Dogs Home choosing a dog to guard their van.
At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist
When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.
Familiarity with a stranger might mean they’re an old soul you knew in a former life.
But it’s more likely a sociopath.
~Inspirational
GEICO: customer service, how can we help?
ME: I’ve been in a car accident
GEICO: ok are you in a safe location?
ME: *looking around bank vault I crashed into* how did you know?
Just looked up my son’s search history.
Sure hope he learned a lot about girl’s Virginias.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.