Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“i’m really more of a dog person.” — werewolf

Me: I can’t find clothes for a toddler
Salesman: Have you looked for 12-15 months?
Me: No, just half an hour

If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich

If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name

Local Thai place no longer suffering fools

As a kid, I didn’t want to get caught misbehaving by my parents.
Now I’m a parent. And I don`t want to get caught by my kids.

The cool side of the pillow just stole my bf.

{1st day as a correctional therapist}

Me: you need to free yourself from the prison-

Inmate: *excitedly unfolds escape plan*

Me: OF YOUR MIND

Inmate: *sadly folds escape plan*

Breakfast in bed.

Me: I’ve sorted these toy boxes so you can put vehicles in one box and people and characters in the other. It will make tidying up quick and easy. Shall we try it?

4yo: *picks up a transformer. Philosophical debate ensues.*

I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm

My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”

Just checked out a hot guy with full leg sleeves…only to realize I’m not wearing my glasses and it was an old man in compression socks.

My first day in hell I accidentally bump into the meteor that killed the dinosaurs in the cafeteria. Everyone gasps. Satan drops his fork.

As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival

Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.

some stupid little amoeba decided to leave the ocean a billion years ago and now i have to worry that tomorrow is monday

[after explaining speed limit signs]

5: I like how you’re creative with speed limits

Music Party with the wee ones

Me: bet you girls didn’t know I could dance.

5yo: I’ll get you a Band-Aid

Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…

Me: I like naughty girls

Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*

Me: Not you

Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.

[first date]

Her: You made a giant Pentagram out of fries and ketchup?

Me: Just get naked and step into the circle. Don’t make this weird.

Her ~ That smells expensive what is it?

Me ~ Kerosene…

Mom: I heard Facebook is now called Metal.
Me: It’s Meta but, no, they-
Mom: My phone app still says Facebook.
Me: They didn’t-
Mom: Do I need a Metalbook app now.
Me: No, it’s META and you don-
Mom: I can’t find Metalbook on the app store.
Me [shaking fist at sky]: ZUCKERBERGGGG

my kids can lose something i bought them for $20 and up and not even flinch but could lose a stick they found in the yard and cry about it for hours.

[furious with son]
wife: what happened?
me: he talks back to me and is insulting me in Spanish
[son from room] yolo isn’t spanish
me: ya see

Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!

Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*

I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.

Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”