Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Them: Your body is your friend.
Me: Friends don’t wake you up at 4am.

A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.

Blew out my flip flop…

#OscarsWeNeed Achievement in Misleading Trailers

Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine

*throws back out*

Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.

FINANCIAL TIP: Invest in any store where you see my wife buying shoes.

Growing up in the Midwest means I am not embarrassed to eat a pound of fried macaroni in a setting, but I am embarrassed to admit ever having sex to my family at the age of 36.

I told my kid that we celebrate Valentine’s Day because it was on this day that Jesus got his first girlfriend and now I have another meeting with his teacher.

[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police]
“why isn’t he wearing a shirt”
we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote

*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*

Technically, all restaurants are drive-thru it just depends how committed to the task you are.

Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Talked to someone today about remaining human when society crumbles. Was told to “please pull up to the window.”

Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.

Me: You never told me you were on the debate team in college..

Her: Yes I did.

Me: No you didn’t.

Her: Yes I did.

Me: Oh you’re good!

I was lying next to 4 and he looked into my eyes and stroked some hair off my face and my heart melted but then he stroked a bit harder and said “mummy I can’t rub the lines out your face”

If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.

“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”

me, to the collection agency

I was helping my son with his homework and I told him that the language attorneys use with all that legal jargon was called ‘Courtugese’ and now I have another meeting with his teacher.

Hubs: *Climbing ladder to put baby bird back in nest* [at my request]

*Falls off ladder*

Me: Oh my God, is the bird okay?

Midwestern pride is suffering through cold morning temps in October without a coat because you don’t want to give Mother Nature the satisfaction and it will likely be summer again in the afternoon.

we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head

I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements

my retirement plan is braless

A wok that cooks so fast you call it a run.

Animal: Touch me and I will kill you with systematic attention to detail designed to inflict the absolute maximum amount of suffering your mind can comprehend

Me: That tail tho

If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.

How to sleep:

1. Lay down
2. Dim lights
3. Dwell about literally every mistake you’ve made in your life for 6 hours
4. Rest for 9 minutes

So apparently in Las Vegas if you leave the “do not disturb” sign on your hotel door for more than 72 hours they automatically send over a police officer to make sure you’re still alive. Steve was very nice.