Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

oh you’re playing music at the beach?? you think your taste in music is superior to poseidon’s 24/7 ambient mixtape???

All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!

Finally had ‘The Talk’ with my kids last night.

Told them some animals eat their young, so they’d better get their shit together before dinner

GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE:
ME: I’ll take two mackerel and a goldfish

*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on

Twitter should disable deleting tweets and add a regret button instead.

“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”

Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??

me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we’re “on” for work every day mon-fri

Will you marry me – Proposal
Will, You, Mary, Me -foursome request
Will, you marry me – Timetravler spoiling the future
Will you, Mary me – Cavewoman Introducing herself

Punctuation, it’s THAT important!

Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*

Love spending a relaxing Sunday curled up with a good book as it sits next to me untouched while I scroll through twitter for three hours

At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.

I don’t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGIFriday’s once a month and glue more shit to the wall no one notices try it

My 10-year-old is cleaning the kitchen. One roll of paper towels later I have the world’s cleanest kitchen stool.

My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches

Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…

*opens The Shining

Just found empty bags of goldfish and Cheetos under my girls’ bunk bed and I told them I was disappointed that this was the best hiding place they could come up with.

Me: I’m heading out to escort the canine on a jaunty trek about the neighborhood.

My husband: Why don’t you just say you’re going to walk the dog?

Dog: *goes absolutely nuts*

Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.

Sure, I miss grandma. But she’s up there protecting us.

*looks up to the sky where my grandma is in a jet fighting aliens*

casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex

Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.

i just really want crab legs

..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me

[the invention of tennis]

“I don’t want this ball.”

“Well, I don’t want it either.”

Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.

Cooking is kind of strange, conceptually. Who took the first slab of meat and said “we better put fire under this for 15 minutes so we don’t die”

This day in history. 1965. The Who’s equipment van was stolen while they were inside the Battersea Dogs Home choosing a dog to guard their van.

Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.

The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.

At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose

I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting