Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: What are you doing?

Me: *trapped in a fitted sheet* I was swallowed whole by a sheet.

Him: Do you need help?

Me: I’m just going to accept my fate and lay here.

Him: You’re napping, aren’t you?

Me: Soooo doomed.

my brain: knows jfc stands for Jesus Fricking Christ

also my brain: John F. Cennedy

ALSO my brain: Jentucky Fried Chicken

I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies

why are you, as a wallet company, giving away a $500 gift card? what am i gonna do? buy $500 worth of wallets?

I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.

I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.

I accidentally dropped my ID as I was showing it to the cashier at the liquor store. I bent down to pick it up and I must have made one of those old people grunts you make when getting off the couch because he said, “you’re good” before I even got to show it to him.

Thursday thoughts from my late father…

“Whadya mean you can’t change a tire. What do you think I sent you to college for?”

Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.

My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.

Mick Jagger and his 8 followers just followed me so I guess it’s my lucky day and this makes 4 Mick Jaggers now the gang’s all here !

Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”

WOMAN: [watching my son roll around on the floor] some people shouldn’t have children

ME: [placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you

Be extra nice to retail workers this week. It’s not their fault you waited until the last minute to shop for a holiday that has fallen on the same day every year since you were born

If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.

Starting a small business is too hard. I’m just going to start a big business then wait for some of it to fail

May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean

most villains can be defeeted with a simple bone saw.

Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.

me: [tossing life preserver to my grandfather]

him: [on deathbed] NURSE

moms will remember every detail of your high school friend but never their name. “Who was your friend from high school who worked at the sub shop on Thursdays and she had brown hair with caramel highlights and she tripped during prom photos and she had two tiny moles on her neck”

the boy who cried wolf would be a way cooler story if actual wolves came out of his eyes

Power went out in the house so the family and I sat on the couch and talked.
We learned we actually have stuff in common. Like, we all hate that the power was out.

WAITER: soup or salad?
CLARK KENT: *sweating nervously* just a REGULAR salad for a REGULAR guy please ha ha. nothing super about it…

My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.

“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago

Jimmy Bathwater, 27 of Howdon, pleaded guilty to roundhousing a seagull out the sky. He was fined £300 despite how impressive that sounds

In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.

If Barbie and Oppenheimer has taught us anything its that there should always be two movies