Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Cute baby, when was she born?

New mother: Yesterday.

Me: *opens coat filled with knock-off watches* Hey kid, I got Rolexes, 50 bucks.

Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”

Me: “That depends.”

Interviewer: “On?”

Me: “If I get this job.”

Interviewer: “Alright then, let’s say you get this job.”

Me: “Great, no take backs!”

Interviewer: “Shit, no I me…ahh, you’re good, ok. You start tomorrow.”

Don’t ever mistake me for someone who hasn’t flirted with danger. I’ve got bitten by a Penguin. Twice.

It’s all fun and games until somebody fails a drug test.

MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?

beware of dog

You’re never alone. Theres mold

The Queen is so afraid of how the vote will turn out, she put Sam Smith in a boat circling Scotland singing “Stay With Me” into a megaphone.

Sorry I’m a week late. Had to scroll back to my birth year.

the three branches of government

[writing my first autopsy report]

There was a slight mix-up initially but it turns out the guy died from an accidental autopsy

I’m a 40 yr old man sitting at a Café with my eyes closed, squirting packets of mayo from under the table at the window as people walk by.

My annoying little cousin is bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed. Whatever, you little idiot.. I sleep in a real car.

Me: you can’t spell menu without me n u
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter: my shift ends at 11

You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.

you are so beautiful without makeup.

-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.

Wife: Silent

Me: What’s wrong?

Wife: Nothing

Me: Grabs shield and sword

Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.

Someone wants you to stop at the store.

Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt

I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.

Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.

I really hope it’s a typo on your resume where it says you’re “goat oriented”.

You think you’re ageing well and then you feel an earlobe hair blowing in the wind

My pregnant friends put me in charge of their gender reveal party

I can’t wait till they pop the balloon & find out they’re having a kraken

[Husband 911]
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She’ll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
M: What?
911: Good luck
* Click *

My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.

What Did I Just Touch and Why is It Wet!?

A Parenting Story

I was definitely that mouthy preteen girl that told my dad’s girlfriend she’s just a girlfriend for NOW, while I’ll always be his daughter.

well, guess what, Brianne?

Happy 25th anniversary

Tell Dad I said hi

just remembering the time Arthur was murdered by his own father

I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.