I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks
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If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.
CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner
ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–
*goose with a badge waddles in*
ME: okay but i’m driving this time
I wouldn’t walk 500 miles and then walk 500 more for anyone. I’d drive across town though maybe.
Today my 6yo said it was good it’s snowing, as that means the earth isn’t getting hotter, and tonight she starts as an anchor on Fox News.
STOP FLIRTING WITH YOUR UNCLE AT YOUR WEDDING WITH YOUR COUSIN #HouseOfTheDragon
me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
COW: Was I speeding?
COP: No
COW: Is it because I’m a c–
COP: It’s because you’re a cow.
I hate when someone throws shade at me, and then I have to drag out my axe and chop down the whole tree and let it fall on them.
Timber, dipshit.
Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.
I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”
Him: I think we should see other people
Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why
I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?
Me: (accidentally crushes the World’s Smallest Violin)
Guy who owns the World’s Second Smallest Violin: aw yea baby my time to shine
My brother and dad have been arguing over a broken PS1 since February 2000. My brother said my dad broke it one night drunk. Truth is my mate broke it claiming he knew how to chip it and I’ve never told anyone. My mum is on my brother’s side. Comes up at least 5 times a year.
If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.
I need a device that connects to other cars Bluetooth so I can yell “WHY CAN’T YOU DRIVE” through their speakers
I’m used to my kid bursting into the bathroom with random objects but I had to draw the line today at bringing in binoculars and her cousin.
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
[joyriding in stolen Lamborghini]
HER: No way this thing does 150.
ME: Only one way to find out…
[pulls over & checks wikipedia]
me: they’re having a retirement party for my coworker
my father, an immigrant: what’s a retirement party? you mean a funeral?
God: you’re an amphibian.
Frog: what does that mean?
God: it means you can breathe on land and in the water.
Frog: omg you mean I’m a mermaid?
God: no that’s not what I-
Frog: [whispers] I’m the littlest mermaid.
DAD GUIDE ON HOW TO WATCH A MOVIE:
1) put on a movie
2) don’t watch it
3) read a book
4) every time something happens ask what happened
I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.
I don’t need armpits that smell like fruit salad or “sexy intrigue”. I exude that naturally.
The fruit salad smell. Not the sexy intrigue.
My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.
I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.
rules for dating my daughter:
1. you are not to hang out with her after 11 pm
2. because that’s when you’ll be hanging out with me
3. please be my friend
My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?