Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me writing at 3am: holy shit….. this is so good when did i become this talented
me reading what i wrote the next day: he roled he’s eye

Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.

Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go

Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?

I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.

[Violently kicking down the door of an elderly care nursing facility]

I NEED VOLUNTEERS TO RUN THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA

Easy now bro smoking a strawberry cheesecake flavoured vape! I don’t want no trouble.

If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.

Are racist people like “ugh, my open minded uncle is going to be at Thanksgiving this year.”

Oh no

I remember the first time I saw a McDonald’s “Free refills on same visit only” sign on their soft drink fountain. Shaking my head, I thought, some people are so damn cheap, while grabbing as many napkins and ketchup packets as I could hold.

Don’t tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don’t need your amateur assistance.

why pay a therapist to pinpoint your flaws when people on Twitter will tell you for free

Me: Let’s invite them over for dinner two weeks from now. It will be great!

Two weeks later. Husband and I cranky, annoyed and frantically cleaning.

Both: Never again.

Repeat.

My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.

I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question

Why don’t they just call a mirror ‘The Self Checkout’?

[argument w/girlfriend]

HER: you know what your problem is?

ME: no, *grabs pen and begins taking notes* but i’m about to find out

When you swallow a spider in your sleep, eat some dead flies the morning after to ensure the spider gives you a positive Trip Advisor rating

[sees date shivering]
me: here, take my jacket
her: aw thanks
me: also, take my shirt
her: oh, u don’t have to-
me: [unbuttons pants]

Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!

After spending 20 minutes trying to get my girlfriends bra off, I decided to give up.

I wish I’d never put it on in the first place..

[storming out of the bedroom in a novelty banana costume] YOU’RE THE ONE THAT SAID THINGS WERE GETTING TOO PREDICTABLE KAREN…

Why would I want to fund a crowd?

I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.

My wedding will be open casket.

If you’re having money problems, don’t get discouraged. Two years ago I filed for bankruptcy and now I live in a tent in my uncle’s backyard

My 4yo informed me that she was “less than not half way done” getting ready for school. My guess is she’ll be ready before I figure out what that means.

Second person to try hang gliding: Wow thanks for letting me be the first person to try this

Inventor: Suuure

I heard there was a secret cord
You plug it in and you meet the Lord