I love watching my 3yo and 2yo fight because they throw kicks and nobody makes contact and they say shit like, “you’re boring!” and “I have socks!” as insults and it’s amazing.
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If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.
Got chased by a swan this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used
is this a warning or an offer?
My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.
How can a murderer return to the scene of the crime? I don’t even go to the same McDonald’s too soon after I’ve eaten there.
For whatever reason, I get super quiet when I hear a helicopter…like they are going to fly over my house and say, “WE KNOW HOW MANY TACO BELL SAUCE PACKETS YOU HAVE IN THERE.”
ME: so what do you do
GUY: I’m an oral surgeon
ME: *imagining him doing heart surgery with just his mouth* wow I bet you’re a helluva kisser
I told my neighbor Terry my chili recipe so now we’re not allowed to fly on the same plane in case it goes down and the recipe is lost forever.
Just in case to be clear #gbbo
Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.
Morpheus: ok this guy is definitely “the one”
Trinity: but why though
Morpheus: you’re gonna kick yourself lol but just re-arrange the letters in “Neo”
[enter password]
*Correct*
[your password is incorrect]
Me: ahh that’s right
*incorrect*
Login Successful
Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.
I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.
Quick reminder that the Twilight saga is about the classic teen angst of choosing between bestiality and necrophilia
When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?
anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?
My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.
[alien wobbles out of spacecraft]
“Take me to your leader”
[30 minutes later]
Me: So, this is my wife…
If by ‘the Hamptons’ you mean ‘my pajamas’, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons.
I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.
☠️
Your pancakes will never taste as good as the ones your mother made because those pancakes had a secret ingredient, which is that you were six years old.
My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.
Cats always land on their feet & bread always lands butter down, but spread butter on the cat’s back & everyone wonders why you’re naked.
The dark side of Canada
[3rd Date]
*To myself* ok, you really like this girl. Just play it cool, detached.
ME: I don’t even care what season we get married in.
King’s men: well don’t just stand there, help us put this egg mf back together again
King’s horses:
This morning I woke up with the thought “I wish there was a way for me to create vegetables at home…”
And so I jammed out on that idea for a while until I realized I had just invented farming.