I love watching my 3yo and 2yo fight because they throw kicks and nobody makes contact and they say shit like, “you’re boring!” and “I have socks!” as insults and it’s amazing.
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Wife: wtf is this pile of clothes doing on the floor?
Me: I struck down a Jedi.
W: god I hate you.
M: yes, use your hate
Nothing like quiet, peaceful coffee on the patio
Till the neighbors start to mow
Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
WTF IS THAT!
I’m closing my pizza parlor. The Board of Health revoked my slicense.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
me: umm
Thoughts and prayers for my mom, she’s really struggling with my weight
Keep your friends close and your enemies wrapped in plastic ready for that long drive to the desert.
[Having guests over for the first time after restrictions are lifted]
Them: Wow your place looks great! So clean!
Us: Thanks we were trying to stay alive.
Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.
College football is great bc every guy on the field is the best football player to come out his HS in years or perhaps ever but then you get a matchup where one of the guys is a future 9x Pro Bowler & the other guy is a future litigation attorney and thats when the magic happens
‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed
Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.
My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.
Ask me how I know.
I don’t want your undivided attention. I want your multiplied attention. Make clones of yourself and give me all of their attention too.
There are times I stare at my kids thinking how amazing they are and then realize it’s because they are napping.
If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.
My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.
Took a bunch of ibuprofen to keep my tweets from being too inflammatory
Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.
Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill
*on hold for over an hour
That guy playing the piano must be exhausted.
best thing about being english is nobody asks you to cook
Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.
When a client says “I know people who can charge less”. Smile & respond “I know clients who can pay more.
Life is fair, people are not.
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
Time for evil
I never understood why chefs wear white.
I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.
1965~ Wow Cher looks good
1985 ~ Wow Cher looks good
1995 ~ Wow Cher looks good
2020 ~Wow Cher looks good
3035 ~ Wow Cher looks good
Current mood: Potato