Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Socks try to be monogamous but most end up either single or having multiple different partners.

By substituting your morning coffee with green tea, you can reduce up to 94% of what little joy you had left.

I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove

I’m hosting an antisocial potluck,
Feel free to drop off your food and go

Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.

I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.

I have many caverns

Me: *gesturing at the kids* We should start thinking about protection

Wife: They’re too young to be talking about birth control

M: I was thinking more along the lines of an exorcism

If zombies ever do attack, I’ll just skip coffee that morning. They’ll leave me alone because they’ll think I’m one of them.

My last cat loved deli meat, chicken pot pie, and spaghetti. Beto just looks at human food from across the room like “did it come out of a bag with my face on it? No?? That’s what I thought”

Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…🐈🐾😅

Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.

To everyone out there suffering from anxiety: you are not alone there’s someone behind you

Godzilla represents a desire in all of us for our reputation to shift from being seen as a baddie to a good guy while changing our behaviour in no way, shape or form.

Crossover ideas

– 50 Shades of Grey’s Anatomy
– Tiger King and I
– Orange is the New Black Mirror
– Captain Marvellous Mrs Maisel
– Breaking Bad Boys

What I said: Brush your teeth!

What my 4yo heard: Chew on your toothbrush so I have to buy you a new one every week.

Me: Don’t you hate it when you walk into a room but don’t remember why you’re there?

Executioner: Ugh the WORST

[bar]
HER: wanna get outta here? *winks*
ME: hell ya
HER: whatya thinkin?
ME: lets go to my place and arm wrestle
HER: what?
ME: u scared?

[reads chocoholic on tinder bio] Mmm I love chocolate, too

[reads workaholic] I work a lot as well

[reads catholic] I also am a cat addict

By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.

my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o n

me: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now

Sometimes I’m scared I’ll miss my kids when they move out but then I find a bowl of cereal in the bathtub tub and I’m not so scared anymore.

Talk to your kids about drugs.

Maybe they have better connections than you.

My cat: *standing on my chest to block my computer screen, pressing his nose to mine & staring deeply into my eyes*

Me: Well. Hi.

My cat: You’re very clingy.

jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget

I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’

the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor

Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.

“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls

I was so tired that I failed a stupid captcha test 3 times in a row yesterday & if that’s not human, I don’t know what is.