I love watching people parallel park. It’s like a sporting event for me. There’s betting and snacks, I call friends to go over the highlights, and shout tips at the car. Don’t be fooled though, I am 100% rooting for you to fail
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ME: Have you seen my denim jacket?
GF: No, but it’s okay. Just checked the weather & it’s not going to be the 1980s today…
Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.
Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read
My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.
Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!
Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before
My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.
Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.
Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.
the toddler refers to every baby as Baby [Name], like Baby is their formal title
Gemini: I pretty much know everything
Cancer: so how are u feeling right now
Gemini: not that
her: we’re engaged, Dad!
her dad: [to me] u didn’t ask me first
me: you’re not really my type
It’s not often I get to relive my youth, but today one of the guys at the gym said he drank so much protein shake he felt sick so I said he got wheysted and then he stuffed me into a locker.
Told my husband the best way to get help at Home Depot is to wear yoga pants, but I dunno. It doesn’t seem to work as well for him.
Startle and amuse your cat by replacing its kitty litter with Poprocks. (Ladies: feel free to share this idea on your pinny website thing.)
Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?
Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.
I’m a vegetarian except for chicken, beef, pork, and fish products.
I never understand why people think saying “you look tired” is an acceptable thing to say to someone. Maybe I’m just ugly, ok
Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
High school teachers: You are to write about the use of the color yellow in The Great Gatsby. If it’s less than 10 pages I will CALL THE COPS.
College profs: Write about an entire religion. I don’t even care which one but if you make me read more than 3 pages I will end my shit.
Maybe i’m not naked, maybe my pants are just invisible?
Me: I’m going to mall
Wife: For what?
Me: Oh, you know. To, um, shop
Wife: So, you’re NOT going to stand at the top of the escalator saying “wow, that escalated quickly” to everyone that gets off?
Me: I thought I asked you not to bring that UP.
11yos doing remote school be like, help me with this, no not like that, no not like that either, ugh forget it I’ll do it myself, seriously it’s fine I’ll figure it out, ughhh you’re so annoying just leeeeeave, wait I need help come back
Doctor: Your son is lactose intolerant
Me: Oh my god
[later that day]
Me [runs into field and punches a cow]: That’s for inventing milk
The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
Her: mmmm Look at all this cheesy goodness.
Him: (a rat) Only from the finest mousetraps my love.
I’d be really slim if it wasn’t for birthdays, anniversaries, Easter, Christmas, Mother’s Day, weekends and me.
Don’t be rude, if the person in front of you in the Starbucks line isn’t concentrating, sweep the leg, step over them and keep the line moving
[ SEXT ]
Me: Hey naughty girl, what are you wearing right now?
Her: Footed pajamas
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: …
M: K, gnight
[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are
FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan