I love watching people parallel park. It’s like a sporting event for me. There’s betting and snacks, I call friends to go over the highlights, and shout tips at the car. Don’t be fooled though, I am 100% rooting for you to fail
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Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake
started wrapping my pills in cheese
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch
I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.
Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…
“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.
Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off
Me: When do you install the lasers?
Lasik Surgeon: Ma’am that is not how lasik eye surgery works…
Me: So do they just shoot out my pupils, or…?
Marianne Williamson is incredible. She said at her only debate that her first act as president would be to tell New Zealand they ain’t shit
Vaccines comes from doctors –> Doctors are part of Obamacare –> Vaccines are BAD #Bible #AmericanSniper
Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?
ME: I’m here for toilet pap–
COTSCO: WARM CROISSANTS
ME: But I…
COSTCO: 500 DISPOSABLE RAZORS
ME: I just nee–
COSTCO: BUCKET OF KIMCHI
ME: *spends $472*
Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.
You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?
[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd
My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.
Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.
“Did you just elect a pope in there?” he asked as the vape cloud billowed from her car window.
Started hearing a weird rattle in my car, then something fell off and the rattle was gone, did u guys know that 2004 corolla’s had self healing technology?
YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy
Me: *astonished whisper* Son?
*wakes up due to construction noise*
*tosses and turns all pissed off*
*finally decides to get up*
*construction noise stops*
My ex-wife and I broke up over religious differences. I was agnostic and she was Satan.
Zebras? Oh, you mean horse referees
Good Flirts: I’m enjoying getting to know you and don’t want it to stop.
Better Flirts: I’m trying so hard not to kiss you right now.
Me Flirting: Did you know, according to NASA, 1993’s Jurassic Park is the 7th most scientifically accurate film ever made?
The human body is incredible. Right now, if I so desired, I could do 15 percent of a backflip and wreck my shit right here on the sidewalk.
I can’t afford a security system so I’ve just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors
I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.
DETECTIVE: Are you the new chalk outline guy?
ME: Yes I am
DETECTIVE: Stick to the bodies, no more thought bubbles with spaghetti inside them
ME: Eve-
DETECTIVE: Yes, even if they were thinking about spaghetti
~Little Mermaid family meeting~
Ariel…. We found this hidden in your top drawer.
*places sea cucumber on table*
Her: Who ate all the ice cream?
Me: *blaming the dog* Reese
Her: What? How?
Me: Witherspoon