I love when a chef refers to themself as “fearless.” Like, are those figs on that sandwich? Calm down, Napoleon
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me: wow can’t believe I’m finally a homeowner. Nothing could ruin this day.
People are all “Sure, I’ll help you move” until they see my prized collection of cement blocks from around the world.
I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.
Homeschooling day 3
Lessons finished hours ago and the kids are still here, do I just put them outside and hope someone collects them or…
We went to Sam’s today to stock up on essentials. When the cashier said, “That’ll be $301.42.” My son whispered, “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.”
And that’s when I knew all that Catholic school was paying off.
The evolution of the NYT cooking newsletter
People on Facebook Nowadays:
*Clicks pic while sipping coffee*
*Posts as DP with irrelevant caption: Every scar makes me who I am*
WTF?
Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead
Don’t hand me the good china. That’s a leap of faith you’ll regret.
Sorry I didn’t hear a word you just said-I was looking at your man bun and all I could think of was cinnamon rolls.
Dear nurses, you don’t have to announce my weight just write it down. That’s why I have my eyes closed when I’m on the scale.
Florida’s state motto should be “hold my beer.”
“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting
the first time my brother got covid, he decided to shave his head and tell everyone it was one of the symptoms, which was just so wrong yet so very very funny
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips during a bank robbery*
I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”
Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me
As a kid: I hope to one day cure diseases and be an Olympic swimmer.
Me as an adult: I hope to one day finish a bottle of shampoo and conditioner at the same time.
*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*
I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does
When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?
Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’
sometimes late at night i look up at the stars and wonder what life would be like if my hair was spaghetti. would i eat it? i prolly would. would i eat other peoples hair spaghetti? again, most likely yes
the secret to my success is everywhere i go i wear a shirt that says STAFF on the back
Tinder: she casually drops being a swinger into the conversation
Me: ah yes, been there… I too have regular mood fluctuations
Tip for drowning your enemies:
Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.
I was never cast in grade school plays because I refused to do nude scenes.
In every single case, the Scooby Doo gang discover a human is behind the mystery, not ghosts or mummies or whatever. Yet they start each new case believing the villain is a supernatural being. Every time. Not once do they say “maybe it’s an old man like last time”
I started drinking more water and now all my workouts consist of walking back and forth to the bathroom.
I just sneezed with a cat on my lap and I’m going to need someone to send help I’m losing a lot of blood.
Dragons don’t breathe fire they breathe air like us they breathe air they just produce fire which isn’t the same as breathing fire no stop I’m not done stop taking the microphone I’m the best man you have to let me finish my