I love when a chef refers to themself as “fearless.” Like, are those figs on that sandwich? Calm down, Napoleon
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A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.
Everyone else in the bar leaves.
The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.
[before date]
friend: make everything about her
[date]
waiter: *trips and spills food everywhere*
me: *to date* this is all your fault
Annual reminder that Valentine’s Day was a scam invented by Goodyear to sell all the heart-shaped tires their factory made by mistake
If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.
landlord: i’m raising your rent
me: am i getting more house
The worst fight I’ve ever been in is with Clingwrap.
It’s all fun and games until you send the clapping emoji instead of the prayer hands when commenting on the news of a death in the family.
I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
In gangster movies they “know a guy” for every dirty job, yet I can’t find a single rando to fill in for Tuesday softball
Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.
Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.
Not to brag but the USA has nicer neighbors than Canada.
My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.
“No one told me we were picking weapons today. What’s left?”
– Donatello
who called it a birthday instead of an am-iversary?
Due to unfortunate circumstances things are no longer fergalicious nor bootylicious
dog: why can’t I see colors?
me: you’re visually impaired.
dog: what’s impai?
Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.
Heard a rival dad in the neighborhood was handing out full size candy bars so now every trick-or-treater that comes to my door is getting an entire rotisserie chicken.
My son is at that age where he’s curious about the human body.
I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.
{Me as Cop}
*Kneels over body* We’re looking for someone briefly introduced even though they don’t seem relevant to the overall plot line.
Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.
Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?
SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you
[bakery]
me: I want to hide in a cake for my wife’s birthday
clerk: ok what about this one
me: yeah nice nice and she definitely won’t find me?
my fav brides on Say Yes To The Dress are the ones who come in wanting a specific dress but don’t call ahead to see if it’s in stock and are like sooo shocked it’s not there. Baby!!! it’s your wedding dress!!! I’ve called bakeries to make sure they have a cinnamon roll in stock
My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn’t even a wait when she’s playing doctor
You know that one cow in the field that’s like 200 yards away from all his cow friends just doing his own thing? That’s me. I am that cow.
gwen stefani really let us down by not spelling something useful like necessary or embarrass
Now I’m getting threatened with “we have access to your iCloud.” I’ll be honest, I stand by most of my nudes. Frankly I’m way more embarrassed by all the inspirational quotes I’ve screen grabbed.