I love when a chef refers to themself as “fearless.” Like, are those figs on that sandwich? Calm down, Napoleon
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End of date
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment all night
Him: *closes eyes and leans in for a kiss
Me: *honks horn as I speed away *
*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.
[Sunday morning]
*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*
– mass unfollowing
Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.
Quite possibly the best sign I have seen before the day ends 😂
ME: My dog loves it when I work from home.
DOG [to camera, opening beer]: Between you and me, it’s incredibly inconvenient. I had shit planned today.
How to sleep:
1. Lay down
2. Dim lights
3. Dwell about literally every mistake you’ve made in your life for 6 hours
4. Rest for 9 minutes
Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.
Baileys it is.
[My first day as a detective]
Me: It’s one way glass he can’t see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.
*gets Ouija board*
Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?
[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!
I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.
*walking my 5 year old back from the bathroom
Lady: Your grand daughter is so cute
Me: She’s my…. Thank you
Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.
Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December
We have a winner.
Sorry I yelled “pull” when you released doves at your wedding.
ME: …and that’s what the ‘sine’ function is used for
MY SON: I will never have to know this again in my life
ME: Oh you will son, trust me
{20 years later…}
MY GRANDSON: Dad?
MY SON: Yes?
MY GRANDSON: What’s the ‘sine’ function used for?
him: anything to declare
me: i don’t really like soup
everyone else in customs: [GASP]
Therapist: ‘Strange. Weird. Odd.’
Me: ‘Am I paying for this?’
“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”
Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct
Occam’s toothbrush: show off
I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits
One time, a dude messaged me to ask what I was wearing & I had just put in my mouthguard to go to bed… so I said “mouthguard” & he asked for pics. So I sent him a photo of my mouthguard & he blocked me.
A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee
I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.
When one door closes, a child soon appears, knocking, asking for a snack.
I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.
HILARIOUS DAD: who has two thumbs and can hitchhike going either north or south? This guy!
UNAMUSED MOM: renew the AAA I said. You never know when you’ll need it I said. But noOOooo
bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size