I love when a company announces it “parted ways” with an executive, like they wistfully waved goodbye to each other at a foggy train station, instead of the guy being marched out the door by security with a box in his hands.
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Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.
[outside bar]
angry guy: [rips off shirt, puts up fists]
me: [carefully removes jacket & shirt, spends a full minute folding them neatly using the KonMari method]
angry guy: omg this is literally why I wanna hit u
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.
How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.
My kid asked how the Easter bunny gets inside the house and I’m very uncomfortable with the amount of lying this parenting gig requires.
“I’m on my way!”
-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes
2020: verb. When you screw things up beyond belief.
Example: Chad’s car hit a pole and knocked out power and, well long story short, he 2020’d and now a giant squid is destroying the city.
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???
Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken
I once lip locked the soft ice dispenser at Dairy Queen until the manager had to hit me with a mop. So I know a little bit about rejection.
I used to work at McDonald’s and we only told ugly people that the ice cream machine was broken
So I have bad news if you were ever denied ice cream
Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with
Today is the three year anniversary of the time I dropped a hot dog and it got stepped on before I could retrieve it. Don’t talk to me about your suffering
I answer with an automatic “Yes” each time my mom says “Oh, have I told you…?” I could miss out on something good but chances are slim.
*hangs out at graveyard*
I like older men.
fr
me: I call shotgun
shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep
Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.
When my wife left, I was sad, upset and lonely.
Since then I’ve got a dog, bought a motorcycle, started dating again and gained 15 pounds. She’s gonna be pissed when she gets home from work.
“I make everything sad, but I’ll class your shit up.” – Violins
*gets out of bed*
*steps on something*
me: Ugh
*turns light on*
wife: What is it?
me: The cat caught another smart car
Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?
Her: well it does now
I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school
Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.
[1st date]
*hiding that I’m actually a Zamboni*Date: Now that we’ve broken the ice-
Me: *nervously sweats while rolling across the floor*
You’ve got some really nice shoulders. Can I put my arms around them?
Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.
Here’s my impression of an astronomer discovering that an asteroid is coming to destroy earth: “This will make me famous but not for long”