I love when a pig looks like a disguised quest giving god
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They:’What doesn’t kill you..’
Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’
Sorry I missed your call
I was in the 17th minute of watching my daughter help her sloth toy crawl across the room to hug me
You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car
MyFitnessPal:
“If every day were like today, in 5 weeks, you’d weigh…”
ONE METRIC TON!!
DRIVER: *turns radio off* Where to?
UNDECIDED VOTER: Don’t rush me I need to hear all the places first. Tell me every place there is please.
I think it’s funny when parents get actually mad at people for call themselves a dog mom it’s like yeah no duh it’s not the same thing people actually like their dogs
Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.
Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*
my kid: how much venom does a scorpion store in his tail?
me: idk, want me to google it?
him: no, didn’t you go to college? you should know this
me: umm yeah i have a bachelors degree
him: oh so you’re only licensed to go to bachelor party, makes sense
If you start making a voodoo doll at Michael’s, you get to meet the manager.
When I was young I fixed my parents’ computer and now that I’m older I fix computers for my kids. Are we the only generation that knows how computers work?
When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”
I saw the Cheesecake Factory trending and thought it died.
Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.
40-26-36.
My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.
Suddenly your entire body starts to vibrate. To your horror you realize it’s vibrating to the melody of the Benny Hill theme. This goes on for 2 hours, then it stops.
‘That’s enough punishment for now’, I whisper to myself, and put away the kazoodoo doll…
Hey so remember when Malfoy was a jerk in year 1 and Harry got snarky right back and they became Instant Enemies? Well what if Harry had just been like “come on, man, let’s all be friends” and all the Houses were united and super chill
Water is the solution to any problem… Do you want to lose weight? Drink more water. Stressful day? Take a warm bath. Tired of annoying people? Drown them.
My child is sniffing a bruise on his arm to figure out how badly it hurts.
Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.
*the fog lifts*
*the fog eats a high protein-low fat diet*
*the fog does cardio*
*the fog is fit af*
In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.
*changes entire paper to past tense to try to increase the page count*
Breakfast: Banana Bread
Lunch: Orange Creamsicle
Dinner: Carrot Cake
Vegetarianism is hard.
BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula
I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.
280 characters, baby, and you know what that means:
OXFORD COMMAS.
OXFORD COMMAS AS FAR AS THE EYE CAN SEE!
[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted
Me: I can never tell what girls want
Her: Flirt with me. Whisper sexy things in my ear.
Me: Like…in a friend kinda way?
A silly but epic reminder of what happens when one person stands up. 😉