I love when a pig looks like a disguised quest giving god
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Me accidentally flirting: Cute, sounds sincere, somehow gives the illusion of confidence.
VS
Me intentionally flirting: “WANT TO HUG? YOUR FACE GOOD. VERY EVEN”
This is my first Apocalypse, I don’t know what to wear.
Hamburglar search history:
• sentence for stealing burgers
• do inmates get burgers
• what is prison “beef”
• countries that don’t extradite
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
8 and I just standing there existing
3 (irritated): I’m trying to eat
After speaking with the psychiatrist, I’ve learned that “hungry” is in fact NOT an emotion. So I’m in the market for a new psychiatrist.
Not many people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist that experimented with cadavers.
His name was Frank
Spider 1: … So, they live in there?
Spider 2: Yep.
Spider 1: I can’t believe that this *taps brick house wall* comes out of their butt!
Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move
“Daddy, I was just in the bathroom peeing, nothing else. That’s all, so you don’t need to look.”
– my 6yo, not sounding at all suspicious
When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.
What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?
The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating
we could create a chicken alfredo coffee flavor we have the technology
[opens fortune cookie]
“Your debit card will decline, leave once the waiter goes to the kitchen and wait for further instructions.”
I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.
[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s
Why does cake packaging have to be the loudest thing on planet earth? Doesn’t it know that I want to eat it at 3 a.m.?
i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.
Social distancing requires a good supply of air horns.
When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.
Good Cop: Book ’em.
Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.
ME: *smashes bottle into a ship*
MAN: Oh cool, what are you naming it?
ME: I’m not *smashes another bottle* I just hate ships
Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it
Wife: Whatcha got there?
Me: Nothin’.
Wife: Why are there crumbs on your face?*holds out hands*
Me: I brought you a box of donut.
Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*
Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*
Waiting at the barber shop to get my 9yo a haircut and he points to the balding guy in front of us and says “well he shouldn’t take too long.”
7 came home to a “7” balloon on his birthday & asked “Why is there an upside-down L balloon here?” & I’m really excited because now I can spend his college fund on that tummy tuck with a clear conscience.
How the hell is Arby’s still in business? In nearly 37 years I’ve never heard, “Let’s go to Arby’s.”
Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.