Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*sees monster truck

*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork

What an exciting day!

First I’ve found a hat full of money,
then I was chased around town by some weird guy with a guitar.

#HatDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes

me: [comes running down the stairs with a baseball glove]

robber: why are u wearing a glove

me: I meant to grab my bat lol

robber: lol

That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…

Day 14 of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant and sometimes in this line of work you have to tell a couple of white lies

Scientist 1: I don’t care if you discovered it, we are not naming it THAT
Me: Naming what?
Scientist 2: You know what IT is.
Me: Ohhhh The Hugh Manatee

Scientists start rage screaming

kid: whats the meaning of life?

me: life is like a bag of Doritos, when you get to a point where you think youve had enough, you notice there isnt much left in the bag, so you just power through to the end

kid: where do babies come from?

me: babies are like a bag of Doritos…

This is my cat’s medicine.

4yo and my husband made pasta from scratch for dinner. 4yo took one bite and said “this is the best meal I’ve ever had, please can we make this again” then promptly left the table and ate no more. Bless preschoolers.

Using advanced AI technology, Blast Zone has been able to predict what Young Sheldon, from the TV show Young Sheldon, will look like as an adult

Yeah… My camera adds 30 pounds. But Photoshop takes it back off.

Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.

I did a bad I need to share
I broke a thing they can’t repair
I tried denial I tried despair
But settled on a vacant stare

I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”

First rule of flight club…no penguins.

“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids

I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger

Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.

My kid found a sick eagle and asked me to help it

Son: have you done this before or you just going to….WING IT?!?

Me: no…dummy. I can’t lawfully touch him it’s….ill-eagle

when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair

[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already

(in starbucks) “i’ll take 450 lattes”

“thats $2,380”

(card declined) “DAMMIT just one then”

if i had a frisbee team, our name would be Panic! At The Disc Throw and we would qualify for the regional finals and hi 5 the shit out of everyone

If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.

My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…

*gets woken up by a tap on my shoulder*
“Daddy, how do you get yogurt out of the toaster when it’s done toasting?”

I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”

No, please lie, I insist!

My dad left to get a pack of cigarettes 30 years ago and still hasn’t come back. That’s why I never started smoking. I just don’t have the time.

A millennial told me that he and his friends weren’t on Twitter anymore because it was for old people now. I was like, “Finally, we won!”