Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: awhinersayswhat?

daughter: what?

*my wife and I high five*

[Obamacare Meeting]
*Biden raises hand*
*Obama sighs* Yes Joe?
Will the doctor still have lollipops?
Sure.
*Entire Congress sighs w/ relief*

Hot guy just walked up to me and said I was pretty so naturally I pulled out a Sharpie and drew a star on his forehead.

why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.

First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face

They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. Please. You wanna know expertise? I’ve spent over 300,000 hrs being a moron

Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.

I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.

I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.

I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.

Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money

Me: check it out, this guy is selling new iPhones for $20

Her: they’re probably phoney

Me: *unvelcro-ing wallet* I hope so, they’re phones

[at work]

me in my 20’s: I DONT NEED LUNCH I HAVE MOTIVATION AND AMBITION TO ENERGIZE ME

me now: listen, if i don’t eat lunch at this exact second i will actually die

I like to win arguments by backing over the other person with my car

Netflix has the AUDACITY to ask me if I’m still watching when it knows I left the remote on the dining room table and have NO intention of getting up. Smh

My summer body has been pending for about ten years

I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.

me: i need an appointment for tomorrow

receptionist: how about 9

me: no i only need one

once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own

I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?

Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads

him: what did you do all day?

*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*

Me: it’s a purrrramid!

Her: Umm…Where are you going?

Me: Walking the dog.

Her: When you get back, we need to talk.

* walks dog…returns 3 days later

People on Facebook really lose their shit when you comment on their hospital check ins with ‘Glad you’re not too sick to post your status’

If your job doesn’t have a dress code, start wearing scrubs to it. Don’t say anything just do it and don’t answer any questions about it either

Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.

It’s amazing how brazen foxes are these days. Just looking at this little one here, in broad daylight, not a care in the world, trotting across the apron, leaping up the stairs, firing up a 737, taxiing it out…wait

Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.

date: I come from a broken home

bob the builder: *bites lip* how broken

I load the dishwasher with delicious and reckless abandon, laughing aloud as I do: HAHAHA, MOTHER, how do you like me now!
8: Grandma’s car just pulled in.
Me: OMG please help me fix this