I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle
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how do y’all walk in shallow water
I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”
date: “your chances of dying are lower on a roller coaster than a horse”
me: “no way”
date: “true story”
me: “i’ve never even seen a horse on a roller coaster”
addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother
My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.
Your cougar jokes make me puma pants.
Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.
If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.
Me: I have a toothache
WebMD: Your dad is the Zodiac killer
when you lie on your résumé about your qualifications and then show up day 1
*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward
Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.
At this point I’m waiting for my student loans to ask me if I want to add 10%, 15% or 20% gratuity to my bill.
Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.
Sorry I called your baby ugly
I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”
This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia
Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom
“wat abot that shadowy place. by 5pm it wil be in the sun”
..who told you about science
me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
My grandparents’ generation was so committed to vacation photos they’d flip their goddamn car and it would still be like “Marge, get in here.”
Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.
ME: I’m hungry. I think I’ll get McDonald’s.
HER: Aren’t you on a diet?
ME: OK. I’ll only get one McDonald.
Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.
Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent
This dogs tail is more talented than I will ever be
Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster
Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise
Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper
Cleaning up a murder scene shouldn’t count against you at trial. “It proves you were trying to get away with it.” No, it proves I didn’t want a pool of blood in my kitchen.
[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss