I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle
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Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
My daughter just asked for nunchucks for her 12th birthday. Have to say, I’m 50% proud, 30% amused and 100% terrified.
*opens drawer* huh, I don’t remember this shirt being pink. OMG…did he…did he do laundry? *slowly opens 2nd drawer*
-Law & Order sound
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart
Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.
Them: Your body is your friend.
Me: Friends don’t wake you up at 4am.
How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do
im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…
Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂
When people ask me why I’m wheelchair bound, it sounds like a prison sentence. I want to say “I forgot to return a library book.”
Sarah Palin’s new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.
they should make a thing that holds your tweet that you typed up for 27 minutes and then sends it to you and you have to affirm you actually want to post that thing you typed up 27 mins ago
ME: where’s your brother?
OLDEST CHILD: where’s another roll of duct tape?
ME: *sprints to the basement*
One of my dogs was puking, i got up to deal with it and the other dog stole part of my dinner. This was not random. This was a planned event.
The one nice thing about your friends’ divorces is no one invites you to them.
Welcome to your 40s: nice olive oil collection.
Don’t take this wrong but if I see another baby Star Wars character I’m gonna dismember everyone
who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll
Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?
If you’re afraid of a book’s influence on the young, banning or burning it is foolish. Assign it in an English class and you will destroy it within a generation.
cheers erupt as woman cuts into perfectly ripe avocado
The CIA should be exclusively recruiting women over 60 as spies – we are invisible and no one can hear us
Him: The kids and I had a game night. There was a good bit of arguing and some crying.
Me: Oh? …how did the kids behave?
My 3yo was giving me a checkup and put the stethoscope on my stomach. She asked if I could hear the heartbeat, and I just got up and left. Heartbeat in my stomach? Smh ain’t nobody got time for that.
Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad
[Antarctic Courtroom]
Polar Bear: “You hated your wife didn’t you, Pingu!”
Walrus Judge: “Careful Mr Prosecutor. You’re on very thin ice”
Polar Bear: “Your honor, permission to approach the bench”
Walrus: “No. I…”
*Polar Bear takes step forward, plunges through melting ice
Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.
I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.