Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

BARTENDER: taste this beer
ME: [tastes it] omg i literally can’t even
BARTENDER: it has pumpkin spice in it
ME: hmm… yeah that explains it

Me: Leaving early. Taking my kid to an appointment

Boss: No, you’ve played your last kid card

Me: *slides kid card out from sleeve and slams it down on desk*

Boss: Sonofa

David Draiman singing “Oh-wa-ah-ah-ah” in the intro of “Down with the Sickness”, but it’s just the sounds I make while trying to put on socks.

If I answer my phone and you ask for me by my full name, there’s a 100% chance we’re about to be disconnected.

Autocorrect changed ‘flash’ to ‘flask’.
Why yes, I’ll have one flask flood emergency.

Asks AI, “I nicked my leg shaving.”

AI results, “Remove leg”

nurse: how do u rate ur pain

me: zero stars

nurse:

me: would not recommend

How many feet away from a tragedy do you need to be before its ok to snack?

“I can’t feel my legs”

–mermaids

*at a rave*
“EXCUSE ME MISS, WOULD YOU LIKE TO DANCE?”
*45 minutes later*
“THIS IS A LONG SONG”

[first date]

HER: Aww, look at that poor old woman at the table in the corner, sitting all alone.

ME: That’s my mom. She wanted to check you out.

MOM: *shakes head, makes throat-cutting gesture*

ME: Don’t worry. That means she likes you.

WTF IS AN ACRONYM

ok here’s the deal. Yes it was dumb of NASA to ask Sally Ride if she needed 100 tampons for a 7-day mission, but I would have said “Actually I need 250” because that’s free tampons from the government, babbbbyyy.

There are a few certainties in this life: death, taxes and when a Canadian tells you it’s cold out, it’s cold out.

I lost my job as a surgeon.

Apparently, I shouldn’t have left unfinished work over the weekend.

Sometimes you send an email that requires a response, and the other person writes back right away, and it’s like NO NOT YET.

Maybe having my husband talk to my son about how he shouldn’t be running a fantasy football league with his friends at school was a bad idea because my husband’s first question was, “What’s the buy in?”

dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy

The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.

Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.

Went on a whale watch today and my husband got up at 6am singing a song he made up to the tune of “You’re the One that I Want” from Grease but it was “You’re the Whale that I Watch.” Should I move out

me: we named you after our favorite films

paul blart: i hate you

wife: you should be proud of your names

paul blart 2: you’re monsters

If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.

Air Bud trembles in fear after the opposing team drapes a basketball jersey over a vacuum cleaner and puts it on their starting lineup.

My kid drew all over my kitchen counter with permanent marker

Classic case of counter terrorism

If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.

Hey pal, you wanna take this outside? *me & the guy from the bar scoop the bug up on a napkin and set it down gently on the grass in front*

Me (to my husband): That’s not where that goes.

Husband: At work, we have a saying: Is it wrong or is it different?

Me: It’s wrong.

Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree

Rorschach: I did

There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.