i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog
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If you want to know how the week is going, I just took a pillowcase out of the dryer, put it over my head thinking it was a t-shirt to wear to bed, spent 15 seconds inside it searching for the neckhole, and then mumbled “what is this, pants?”.
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
Walking dead spoiler alert. There are zombies and they like to try & eat people but the people are like “nuh uh zombie, we don’t want that”
Not me going in with a stool sample to my GP surgery & I when I handed it in the receptionist asked if it was requested by the doctor as if I just decided to shit in a tube and hand it in to her????
Dear Starbucks:
The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.
Why cotton swab companies haven’t used “just the tip” as an advertising slogan yet is beyond me.
I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Chief Executive Director of Burrito Operations.
Interviewer: Uh… we’re not a food company.
Me: *leans back, puts feet on the desk, pulls out a burrito* Yet.
Eating a takeout salad alone in your car can feel depressing, but not if you fully commit to the backstory that you’re a detective on a stakeout.
the area 51 thing but someone makes an event called “Don’t Go To Work, They Can’t Fire All of Us” and then we trick everyone into a general strike by calling it a “meme”
I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.
[my gf actually turns into a worm]
me: oh my god. it’s ok, i’ll still go out with you
my worm gf: [sees a cool worm wearing a leather jacket] i think we should see other people
When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.
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I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
me: excuse me where’s your restroom
salesman: it’s for customers only
me: [doing the pee dance] ok I will have one ford explorer please
What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?
I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.
Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.
Haven’t done a pushup in years. Doesn’t seem right with what’s been going on in the world
Me: I’ll definitely do it tomorrow.
Morgan Freeman: He wouldn’t.
Me: *chasing Morgan out of my house with broom* Why are you here again?
Never play poker at the zoo. Too many cheetahs.
it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware
There should be a socially acceptable way to say, “I’m not sure what to say to that. Can you please say something different?”.
Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”
I’m really good at compromising as long as I get my way.
When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.
British parking sign:
———————————
Parking Mon-Fri
Saturday (except Sunday)
No return within 1 hour
2 hour max (bank holiday)
Not valid Fri-Mon
(Excludes Weekdays)
1 hour only
———————————
Nav: ‘Take the next left turn.’
Me: ‘That’s not right.’
Nav: ‘No shit.’
I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.