Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[being stopped by the cops]

Me: if they ask about a missing dolphin just play it cool

My new best friend: *clicky noises*

Me: okay okay *i toss him a fish to keep him quiet*

ME: I wish I could fix this problem

SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEM: Hey there-

ME: [avoiding eye contact] If only there was a way…

That feeling when you take the first bite of your favourite food, that’s called chewphoria.

thoughts?

MMA – where men fight other men in their underpants.

I shall plucketh thine eyes from ye skull and make kebobs but with bendy straws instead of skewers cuz those are dangerous

Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice

[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”

[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5

“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.

I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.

[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened

Why I hate technology:

Most of my lightbulbs now have a longer life expectancy than me.

“…She is survived by one son , three porch lights and one ceiling fan bulb”

Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.

I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”

C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.

Wasps: bees, but not helping

Called myself to see if I’d answer, sent me to voicemail. Twice.

Me to myself: This is annoying. This conversation is boring. This person is a moron. I hope I’m hiding it well.

Coworker: You said all that out loud.

Calm down ‘Fitbit’ joggers. I can drink one 5-Hour Energy and reach my target heart rate without even getting off my couch

Me: We should get a bigger car.

Wife: You’re not thinking we should have another kid, right?

Me: No, I’m just tired of being able to hear the ones we do have when we are driving.

I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.

I knew my gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching

ANAESTHETIST: Count backwards from 100
ME: 100..99..98

ME: ..3..2..1..um [looks round] now what?
ANAESTHETIST [muffled] You have to find me

It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.

Just why bro?!

HONEY QUICK COME HERE THERE’S A COMMERCIAL ABOUT MENOPAUSE

[strangers in goat masks dance around a bonfire as I’m being tied to a wooden stake] It’s getting pretty late guys, I should probably head out

An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.

pisses me off when I’m taking a longer than average drink at the drinking fountain and someone says “hey save some for the fishes” when just before i’d filled up a bucket at the drinking fountain and drove it to the nearest lake and dumped it in there