Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My gf doesn’t want to see Killers of The Flower Moon today because she “needs” to see a doctor “immediately” to get her “appendix” out.

If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.

If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.

I don’t need a woman to save me from my bad choices per se…but if she knows how to tie a tourniquet, that’s a plus.

Empathy: I feel you

Sympathy: I feel for you

Lycanthropy: I feel awoo

to those of you shopping this week: please be polite and patient with shop assistants, it’s a stressful and busy time for them too 🙂

to those of you worshiping Satan this week: see you at the gathering in the woods, bring teeth 🙂

Cop: Why did you burn that building down?

Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing.

Cop: You’re free to go.

I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.

Someone tried to abduct me today by sloppily painting “taco truck” on the side of a windowless van.

There were no tacos in there. Please send help.

How come you only hear about folks being distraught? No one’s ever like, “I’m good, Bro. I’m traught as hell.”

You wanna mess with me, pal? You wanna mess with the saddest man in town? I’ve got a whole crew of sad boys just waiting to burst into tears

Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”

Oh good, instead of socks or electronics or whatever…now Amazon can also deliver your life-saving medications to someone else’s house.

my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015

And ladies, keying cars is very 2010 lol all you need to do is ask to drive his car and you take it and speed pass every speed camera in your city. And just return his car back to him like nothing happened.

Sparkling homunculus??????? 🤣🤣🤣

Ugh what’s with all the free range organic baby food crap? My parents fed me Wonder bread and jelly and guess what, I miraculously grew into an adult. I mean, not a functioning one. But still.

I gave my baby a teething toy so she would stop chewing on my fingers.

She wasn’t interested because it didn’t scream out in pain.

Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?

Me: The company moved.

I: Where?

M: They didn’t tell me.

My 6yo fell over today because he was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street and I didn’t even see how he fell because I was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street

Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.

*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3

I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.

[meeting]

DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI

PRODUCER: Yes!

D: A huge cast

P: Agreed!

D: Realistic family photos

P: We don’t have the budget

“found you on “i found you on
instagram” twitter”

I had two werewolves inside me, but I lost them both, so now I have wherewolves

In order to catch herpes…

You need to think like a herpe.

Knock Knock

Murderer: What are you in for?

Her: Licking ice cream.

Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.

At a party. Saw lady I knew was pregnant. Went over and put my hand on her tummy, wobbled it and said ‘amazing news’. She told me baby was three months old and I’d just wobbled her cesarean scar. Never seen a room empty so quickly.